Love this! I think you and I are about the same age, and I find that my husband and I are beginning our 3rd incarnation as well - there was the dating/newlyweds phase, the raising the kids/losing the folks phase...and now, the "back to us" era. Kids are in their 20s, out of college, launching themselves. We are having a hell of a good time, the focus is back on all the reasons we like each other so much!
Thanks for this post, Kim! Feeling grateful today because my husband of 43 years referred me to a podcast that he happened upon and felt was relevant to us. (It addressed “sidetracking” a conversation- First episode of Hidden Brain). I was touched that he cares enough to want better communication after all these years…
Kim - I love this piece! I’m 12.5 years in to my 3rd and last marriage. There’s so much of what you wrote that I relate to - the explanations for the times I left and explanations for why I’m staying. I appreciate your open and vulnerable way of writing - thank you.
This was such a refreshing essay about marriage: so honest, so engaging, so open about what parts were made up of good choices and what parts might be pure luck. I am so delighted for you both that you found each other!
I love how you write life and how often while I'm reading I say YES because of how perfectly you capture the everything. And love the liberal use of LOL as someone whose grown kids gently mock constantly for the LOLs.
I married young and this month marks our 41st anniversary. Thinking of our different marriages is a revelation! 1st marriage of the hot sex and utter obsession, 2nd marriage of 3 kids coupled with two 21 week pregnancy losses and money struggles 3rd marriage with my diagnosis at 40 of Acute Myloid leukemia where I finally realized the guy I'd been mildly pissed at for a long while because he wasn't the traditional romantic (no flowers, no surprise escapades that I did not have to plan lol) was the ONLY man partner that stayed at the hospital all day, every day he could (lots of wives did but the guys were all in and out in half an hour) held my puke bucket, drove around an unfamiliar city for hours to find me KFC popcorn chicken that I couldn't eat, held our little family of weirdos together. Now in retirement and in all likelihood in the 4th and last marriage of dopey old people hobbies of gardening, camping, noticing where the yarn stores are on road trips, freaking out with the same weird you tube obsessions and binge watching....we're twinning lol
I’ve often said I’ve been a thousand different women, and have come to love them all because they are the bones, the foundation of who I am now. I have had many different relationships with my wife, too. The first 15 years were a close friendship as girls and young women with chemistry never given a life;, then I left her life for about 5 years when she married a man and I found myself wanting to kiss the bride; then a resumption of friendship as her relationship was ending; then a wild passion; marriage and a child, with all the transformations that brings; many moves across the country with our relationship a steady core as we started over again and again in new places; empty-nesters; and now retirees trying to figure out this new phase. Forty-seven years and counting, and I’m only 62. I can’t imagine life without her.
I’ve been a thousand different women with a thousand different relationships with my Love who has also been a thousand different women. I want to lay flowers at all their feet.
I also want to lay flowers at your feet. Thank you for your writing. I find it really meaningful to read your work. ❤️
I’m on marriage number 2 with my husband, full of kids and responsibilities that weigh us down. I’m hoping we’re strong enough to reach marriage number 3. Great read
Thanks again Kim! Not a paid subscriber yet as we are both living on limited pensions we have paid into for 50 plus years and are living month to month. Your articles are very informative and uplifting in Our traditional marriage of 33 years. Much love and gratitude 💗
Hi Brian! I don’t want anyone to pay unless it’s easy to do so. That’s why I’m not paywalling any of the content. I don’t want anyone’s lives to be harder because of me. Thanks for commenting and being a member of our little community. Great to have you here. And don’t give payment a second thought!
Thank you. This was my 4 am read. I thought I would graze through it but hung on every word instead. I just sent my last money to Bernie Sanders …. Maybe next time I’ll have a bit left for you. Fingers crossed because you gave me hope.
I’d rather have you send it to Bernie and fight fascism! Thank you for reading and commenting and don’t worry about paying at all. I appreciate it when people who can afford it support, it means a lot but I don’t want anyone to give when it’s not easy. Keep fighting the good fight. And so happy you read and liked the piece and left this note. It’s more than enough!
I love your work SO much! This one reached right into my heart. I had a painfully unfulfilling and damaging first marriage that yielded one amazing kid. What you said about David changing how he works and functions saving your marriage? I know the truth of that. My husband didn’t and when my kid was 6, I finally managed to pick my head up and look around. Then he got the boot. Now I’m gifted with a second, which includes my own version of David who takes exquisite care of me and my daughter. Thanks for telling this story. It reminded me to deeply appreciate this beautiful life and partner I have now. ♥️
This was wonderful to read, as you've described how perfectly you and David have evolved over the course of your marriage. Married almost 23 years here and we have definitely had all three of the marriages that you describe, without the biological children in the mix. He embraced fatherhood the minute the rings went on our fingers and I'm so grateful for that, but the ghost in the machine of our daily lives has always been that infertility diagnosis that changed Marriage #1, with it's hopes of family and dreams of what our children would be like, to Marriage #2, a panorama that we never asked for, nor wanted, but had to embrace and navigate regardless. Marriage #3, well, that's now; empty nesters for more than a decade, and now, grandparents fully enmeshed in supporting our son and his family. We dream of so many plans for ourselves, for travel and exploring, and maybe when our grandchildren are older we'll get to that, and maybe we won't. I see us over these past 23 years and we've transformed alongside one another, growing in to a working unit that still laughs uproariously with each other every day.
Oh my, Kate this is a whole beautiful life! All the problems and the saddness of infertility, the figuring it out, and the surprises good and bad, but now the comfort and a bit of reaping of all you guys have sowed. My dear friend, I am so glad that you get to have this wonderful phase of life. I love this so much.
Great thoughts about relationship, made me think about my own
Love this! I think you and I are about the same age, and I find that my husband and I are beginning our 3rd incarnation as well - there was the dating/newlyweds phase, the raising the kids/losing the folks phase...and now, the "back to us" era. Kids are in their 20s, out of college, launching themselves. We are having a hell of a good time, the focus is back on all the reasons we like each other so much!
Lovely, as always.
Thanks for this post, Kim! Feeling grateful today because my husband of 43 years referred me to a podcast that he happened upon and felt was relevant to us. (It addressed “sidetracking” a conversation- First episode of Hidden Brain). I was touched that he cares enough to want better communication after all these years…
Kim - I love this piece! I’m 12.5 years in to my 3rd and last marriage. There’s so much of what you wrote that I relate to - the explanations for the times I left and explanations for why I’m staying. I appreciate your open and vulnerable way of writing - thank you.
This was such a refreshing essay about marriage: so honest, so engaging, so open about what parts were made up of good choices and what parts might be pure luck. I am so delighted for you both that you found each other!
Omg yes! Thank you for the articulation of my heart.
I love how you write life and how often while I'm reading I say YES because of how perfectly you capture the everything. And love the liberal use of LOL as someone whose grown kids gently mock constantly for the LOLs.
I married young and this month marks our 41st anniversary. Thinking of our different marriages is a revelation! 1st marriage of the hot sex and utter obsession, 2nd marriage of 3 kids coupled with two 21 week pregnancy losses and money struggles 3rd marriage with my diagnosis at 40 of Acute Myloid leukemia where I finally realized the guy I'd been mildly pissed at for a long while because he wasn't the traditional romantic (no flowers, no surprise escapades that I did not have to plan lol) was the ONLY man partner that stayed at the hospital all day, every day he could (lots of wives did but the guys were all in and out in half an hour) held my puke bucket, drove around an unfamiliar city for hours to find me KFC popcorn chicken that I couldn't eat, held our little family of weirdos together. Now in retirement and in all likelihood in the 4th and last marriage of dopey old people hobbies of gardening, camping, noticing where the yarn stores are on road trips, freaking out with the same weird you tube obsessions and binge watching....we're twinning lol
Thank you so much for opening this door <3
I’ve often said I’ve been a thousand different women, and have come to love them all because they are the bones, the foundation of who I am now. I have had many different relationships with my wife, too. The first 15 years were a close friendship as girls and young women with chemistry never given a life;, then I left her life for about 5 years when she married a man and I found myself wanting to kiss the bride; then a resumption of friendship as her relationship was ending; then a wild passion; marriage and a child, with all the transformations that brings; many moves across the country with our relationship a steady core as we started over again and again in new places; empty-nesters; and now retirees trying to figure out this new phase. Forty-seven years and counting, and I’m only 62. I can’t imagine life without her.
I’ve been a thousand different women with a thousand different relationships with my Love who has also been a thousand different women. I want to lay flowers at all their feet.
I also want to lay flowers at your feet. Thank you for your writing. I find it really meaningful to read your work. ❤️
I’m on marriage number 2 with my husband, full of kids and responsibilities that weigh us down. I’m hoping we’re strong enough to reach marriage number 3. Great read
So loved this piece. I'm in awe of your willingness and ability to share the extremes and the everydaylove. Beautiful. Thankyou for your work .
Thanks again Kim! Not a paid subscriber yet as we are both living on limited pensions we have paid into for 50 plus years and are living month to month. Your articles are very informative and uplifting in Our traditional marriage of 33 years. Much love and gratitude 💗
Hi Brian! I don’t want anyone to pay unless it’s easy to do so. That’s why I’m not paywalling any of the content. I don’t want anyone’s lives to be harder because of me. Thanks for commenting and being a member of our little community. Great to have you here. And don’t give payment a second thought!
Thank you. This was my 4 am read. I thought I would graze through it but hung on every word instead. I just sent my last money to Bernie Sanders …. Maybe next time I’ll have a bit left for you. Fingers crossed because you gave me hope.
I’d rather have you send it to Bernie and fight fascism! Thank you for reading and commenting and don’t worry about paying at all. I appreciate it when people who can afford it support, it means a lot but I don’t want anyone to give when it’s not easy. Keep fighting the good fight. And so happy you read and liked the piece and left this note. It’s more than enough!
I love your work SO much! This one reached right into my heart. I had a painfully unfulfilling and damaging first marriage that yielded one amazing kid. What you said about David changing how he works and functions saving your marriage? I know the truth of that. My husband didn’t and when my kid was 6, I finally managed to pick my head up and look around. Then he got the boot. Now I’m gifted with a second, which includes my own version of David who takes exquisite care of me and my daughter. Thanks for telling this story. It reminded me to deeply appreciate this beautiful life and partner I have now. ♥️
OMG this made me so happy to read. I’m so happy that you have this, that we have this. Everyone deserves to be loved this way. What a beautiful story!
Great writing on the metamorphosis of the marriage institution at a personal level.
This was wonderful to read, as you've described how perfectly you and David have evolved over the course of your marriage. Married almost 23 years here and we have definitely had all three of the marriages that you describe, without the biological children in the mix. He embraced fatherhood the minute the rings went on our fingers and I'm so grateful for that, but the ghost in the machine of our daily lives has always been that infertility diagnosis that changed Marriage #1, with it's hopes of family and dreams of what our children would be like, to Marriage #2, a panorama that we never asked for, nor wanted, but had to embrace and navigate regardless. Marriage #3, well, that's now; empty nesters for more than a decade, and now, grandparents fully enmeshed in supporting our son and his family. We dream of so many plans for ourselves, for travel and exploring, and maybe when our grandchildren are older we'll get to that, and maybe we won't. I see us over these past 23 years and we've transformed alongside one another, growing in to a working unit that still laughs uproariously with each other every day.
Oh my, Kate this is a whole beautiful life! All the problems and the saddness of infertility, the figuring it out, and the surprises good and bad, but now the comfort and a bit of reaping of all you guys have sowed. My dear friend, I am so glad that you get to have this wonderful phase of life. I love this so much.