At 83, it has not really occurred to me that I am unfuckable as my husband thinks I am his prize for all things, including that. I also don't feel invisible, but perhaps I am. If you haven't done so, you might enjoy seeing me stand on my head (two minute video) as a pinned post on my site. And this might be of interest: https://arichardson.substack.com/p/when-do-people-stop-having-sex
For some strange reason, it is one of my most viewed posts.
I was one of those unfortunate women for whom attention from men was cruel. I was an ugly kid and a marginally more attractive adult because of orthodontia.
But the invisibility of age has been bliss!
As often as men harrangue women because they want to have sex with them, there are men who harrass women they find ugly. I always figured it was men's method of discipline for women who were failing at their One JobTM, which is to attract, land, and then serve a man and his progeny. An ugly or fat woman is shirking, and she shall be punished. I still remember the slight shock of jogging my fat ass down the street at age 38, and the music in my headphones being pierced by a long, loud "MOOOOOOO!!!"
The man driving the car appeared to be over 60.
Over sixty, and so, so courageous when alone in a car.
At 49 I decided I was done playing the game. I no longer cared about my fuck-ability index score. I no longer cared what other people thought of me. I no longer cared that I was becoming invisible. I say what I want, and I do what I want (within reason of course I didn't turn into an asshole). Being invisible is a superpower!
My hair has been graying since my late 20s but my best friend from middle school told me I couldn't let my hair go gray because, "I was too young, and gray hair would make me look old." I listened and continued to dye my hair for 20 more years. I finally realized that what she was saying was that if my hair is gray then what does that say about her?
At the same time that I stopped dying my hair I stopped counting calories, and I got a few tattoos. A friend at work told me I was having a midlife crisis. I told her, "No I am having a midlife confidence!"
Remarkably, heartbreakingly true. Thank you. My wife and I read this with a combination compassion, anger and, sadly, familiarity. Each of us has experienced this. The cleverly worded backhanded compliment. Abject astonishment (not to be confused with respect) for our demonstrable technical, financial, physical or fill-in-the-blank capability and competence. Some people just need to pour themselves a big, tall glass of go fuck yourself.
Kia Ora, at 67 I get it. I listen to student radio and love to go to music gigs. I would like to say I witnessed a young server in a cafe being berated by an older woman. The young woman had called her love. The older woman yelled at her for several minutes. I understand that some older people find being called "love"offensive and patronizing. However, it came across as a power trip and I felt really embarrassed to be an older woman. Kindness and understanding goes a long way. We were young once.
I think I’m on the cusp of invisible. Hard to say, really. I’ve always very much walked around sort of with my head in the clouds (unaware of attention if/when it was happening). But maybe this is what will save me in the end 😆 I’ll slowly fade into the background without even noticing and go about the rest of my life, business as usual.
I never thought of myself in the context of a fuckability score. That was pretty interesting. But boy, I realized I have a health-ability score for men. The older I am the better your score should be-I don't care what your age is.. I'm 70 and was widowed in 2023 after a great marriage. It was the ending of a built in, unspoken understanding that I am the most beautiful, smart and talented woman ever. I had assumed that I was strong in that part of myself regardless of my marriage. I still ended up in pieces all over the floor. That is one piece I was surprised I couldn't find for awhile. I realized what a gift it was to have had that as part of my life. But I still have that belief in myself and that piece remains intact but transformed-stronger in some ways from aging. What's inside makes true beauty and in some ways when physical beauty changes, those qualities can be more visible. I have worked hard to stay physically healthy. So that has paid off for the most part. This phase of life- I don't think can be understood unless you are experiencing it. Like other stages of life- teens, marriage, having kids. Like loss and grief. Like being widowed. Like substance abuse. For those of you who are aging with optimal health. I want you to know how much it means to your medical provider to see even one healthy older person a week. Their compliments are rooted in their sheer delight in seeing a healthy person. And if you made some changes that helped keep you from developing or controlling chronic disease -you made their month, maybe year.
I remember the first time I realized I was invisible. I was 54, 5’ tall, 115 lbs, but with white spiky hair. We were in a bar on South Beach (Miami, FL), me, my husband and our 21 year old daughter. At the table our waiter acknowledged and spoke with all of us. I went to the restroom and on returning to the table I spotted our waiter and asked for another round of drinks. He walked by without acknowledgement. I tried to speak with other employees that night and was again ignored. To put it bluntly, I was pissed. Granted, South Beach is a “youth mecca”, but it still hurt and was an eye opener. Unfortunately, it has happened since but I don’t let it bother me as much. I’m 67 now, and I’ve learned I have two choices, be loud and maybe outrageous enough to be noticed and acknowledged. Or move on to another establishment where I am seen. Even my doctor- a 45-ish woman- and her staff are amazed when I come in for my annual physical, that I need no medications and am healthy at “my age”. Though this may be a sad commentary on the general health of people in the US. I don’t know if it’s the same in the UK or Europe.
Hopefully your essay and others like it will shed some light on this unfortunate situation and the world will open their eyes to us.
Great article and so true. I am glad you called attention to the woman in the nursing home and how another person stepped up to give a reference/shout out to Open Doors? Awesome to see women supporting women!!
I love older women in different degrees but it is the inner beauty that attracts me to them. I think women need to get out of their ego and not be driven by biological instincts. People are stuck in their ego and proud of their things because it brings them pleasure and they really lack compassion. Not so easy to pick up someone to screw at the bar and have no intention of loving when you're old and grey.
At 55 I was extremely upset about being invisible. Now at 65, it gives me freedom. I don’t give a fuck what people think. I am doing exactly what I want and going where I want to be. If people don’t want to read what I write or see where I go, that’s up to them. I cut all my hair, started working out with heavy weights three days a week and decided that my family were now old enough and wise enough to take care of themselves. It was time to take care of me.
Thank you for writing. I have an interesting reaction to this term.
In a memoir I’m working on, I recount an experience from when I went to a Thai fight camp after being widowed at 40. It was a profound journey of trying to reconnect with my body to heal. During that process, I went through a fascinating phase where I deeply believed these were my “last fuckable years.” I thought that if I didn’t put myself out there and try, I’d cross some threshold, and that would be it.
Looking back five years later, I realize I needed to go through that to work through body image issues I didn’t even know I was holding onto. It helped me get to know my new self better. Now, I’m grateful for having had that feeling—and for not caring about it anymore. And, of course, I’ve learned that despite anything society might say, I’m still quite fuckable.
So, either way, I can just get on with my bad, witchy self.
At 83, it has not really occurred to me that I am unfuckable as my husband thinks I am his prize for all things, including that. I also don't feel invisible, but perhaps I am. If you haven't done so, you might enjoy seeing me stand on my head (two minute video) as a pinned post on my site. And this might be of interest: https://arichardson.substack.com/p/when-do-people-stop-having-sex
For some strange reason, it is one of my most viewed posts.
I was one of those unfortunate women for whom attention from men was cruel. I was an ugly kid and a marginally more attractive adult because of orthodontia.
But the invisibility of age has been bliss!
As often as men harrangue women because they want to have sex with them, there are men who harrass women they find ugly. I always figured it was men's method of discipline for women who were failing at their One JobTM, which is to attract, land, and then serve a man and his progeny. An ugly or fat woman is shirking, and she shall be punished. I still remember the slight shock of jogging my fat ass down the street at age 38, and the music in my headphones being pierced by a long, loud "MOOOOOOO!!!"
The man driving the car appeared to be over 60.
Over sixty, and so, so courageous when alone in a car.
Thank GOD they can't see me anymore.
I'm so sorry. Men can be awful. This is when invisibility is a Godsend.
At 49 I decided I was done playing the game. I no longer cared about my fuck-ability index score. I no longer cared what other people thought of me. I no longer cared that I was becoming invisible. I say what I want, and I do what I want (within reason of course I didn't turn into an asshole). Being invisible is a superpower!
My hair has been graying since my late 20s but my best friend from middle school told me I couldn't let my hair go gray because, "I was too young, and gray hair would make me look old." I listened and continued to dye my hair for 20 more years. I finally realized that what she was saying was that if my hair is gray then what does that say about her?
At the same time that I stopped dying my hair I stopped counting calories, and I got a few tattoos. A friend at work told me I was having a midlife crisis. I told her, "No I am having a midlife confidence!"
Remarkably, heartbreakingly true. Thank you. My wife and I read this with a combination compassion, anger and, sadly, familiarity. Each of us has experienced this. The cleverly worded backhanded compliment. Abject astonishment (not to be confused with respect) for our demonstrable technical, financial, physical or fill-in-the-blank capability and competence. Some people just need to pour themselves a big, tall glass of go fuck yourself.
I love a "big tall glass of fuck yourself!"
Kia Ora, at 67 I get it. I listen to student radio and love to go to music gigs. I would like to say I witnessed a young server in a cafe being berated by an older woman. The young woman had called her love. The older woman yelled at her for several minutes. I understand that some older people find being called "love"offensive and patronizing. However, it came across as a power trip and I felt really embarrassed to be an older woman. Kindness and understanding goes a long way. We were young once.
As one of the unfuckable, even my new physician was surprised when I told her I had an active sexual life.
As one of the unfunny kable,
Obviously though I can fuck I have difficulty typing on my phone.
I want this on a bumper sticker!!!!!!
I think I’m on the cusp of invisible. Hard to say, really. I’ve always very much walked around sort of with my head in the clouds (unaware of attention if/when it was happening). But maybe this is what will save me in the end 😆 I’ll slowly fade into the background without even noticing and go about the rest of my life, business as usual.
I never thought of myself in the context of a fuckability score. That was pretty interesting. But boy, I realized I have a health-ability score for men. The older I am the better your score should be-I don't care what your age is.. I'm 70 and was widowed in 2023 after a great marriage. It was the ending of a built in, unspoken understanding that I am the most beautiful, smart and talented woman ever. I had assumed that I was strong in that part of myself regardless of my marriage. I still ended up in pieces all over the floor. That is one piece I was surprised I couldn't find for awhile. I realized what a gift it was to have had that as part of my life. But I still have that belief in myself and that piece remains intact but transformed-stronger in some ways from aging. What's inside makes true beauty and in some ways when physical beauty changes, those qualities can be more visible. I have worked hard to stay physically healthy. So that has paid off for the most part. This phase of life- I don't think can be understood unless you are experiencing it. Like other stages of life- teens, marriage, having kids. Like loss and grief. Like being widowed. Like substance abuse. For those of you who are aging with optimal health. I want you to know how much it means to your medical provider to see even one healthy older person a week. Their compliments are rooted in their sheer delight in seeing a healthy person. And if you made some changes that helped keep you from developing or controlling chronic disease -you made their month, maybe year.
beautiful.
I remember the first time I realized I was invisible. I was 54, 5’ tall, 115 lbs, but with white spiky hair. We were in a bar on South Beach (Miami, FL), me, my husband and our 21 year old daughter. At the table our waiter acknowledged and spoke with all of us. I went to the restroom and on returning to the table I spotted our waiter and asked for another round of drinks. He walked by without acknowledgement. I tried to speak with other employees that night and was again ignored. To put it bluntly, I was pissed. Granted, South Beach is a “youth mecca”, but it still hurt and was an eye opener. Unfortunately, it has happened since but I don’t let it bother me as much. I’m 67 now, and I’ve learned I have two choices, be loud and maybe outrageous enough to be noticed and acknowledged. Or move on to another establishment where I am seen. Even my doctor- a 45-ish woman- and her staff are amazed when I come in for my annual physical, that I need no medications and am healthy at “my age”. Though this may be a sad commentary on the general health of people in the US. I don’t know if it’s the same in the UK or Europe.
Hopefully your essay and others like it will shed some light on this unfortunate situation and the world will open their eyes to us.
That amazement at not taking meds is ridiculous. I've had some ask me if I was sure I wasn't taking anything!
At what age does 'falling over' become 'having a fall'?
we need to talk about "falling"
Great article and so true. I am glad you called attention to the woman in the nursing home and how another person stepped up to give a reference/shout out to Open Doors? Awesome to see women supporting women!!
yes!
I love older women in different degrees but it is the inner beauty that attracts me to them. I think women need to get out of their ego and not be driven by biological instincts. People are stuck in their ego and proud of their things because it brings them pleasure and they really lack compassion. Not so easy to pick up someone to screw at the bar and have no intention of loving when you're old and grey.
At 55 I was extremely upset about being invisible. Now at 65, it gives me freedom. I don’t give a fuck what people think. I am doing exactly what I want and going where I want to be. If people don’t want to read what I write or see where I go, that’s up to them. I cut all my hair, started working out with heavy weights three days a week and decided that my family were now old enough and wise enough to take care of themselves. It was time to take care of me.
Wonderful love this
Wow, great work! I am going to share this with my partner who is your age.
Thank you for writing. I have an interesting reaction to this term.
In a memoir I’m working on, I recount an experience from when I went to a Thai fight camp after being widowed at 40. It was a profound journey of trying to reconnect with my body to heal. During that process, I went through a fascinating phase where I deeply believed these were my “last fuckable years.” I thought that if I didn’t put myself out there and try, I’d cross some threshold, and that would be it.
Looking back five years later, I realize I needed to go through that to work through body image issues I didn’t even know I was holding onto. It helped me get to know my new self better. Now, I’m grateful for having had that feeling—and for not caring about it anymore. And, of course, I’ve learned that despite anything society might say, I’m still quite fuckable.
So, either way, I can just get on with my bad, witchy self.
yes!