God, Kim, you take me to the very edge of what I can tolerate, and somehow make it beautiful, heartrending, important. I appreciate you and your writing and your heart so much.
Ms. Foster: what a delightful piece. “Please don’t walk my ashes like a poodle”. Superb line and truth behind it.
I was the neighbor of a medical student years ago and in his first year he took me to the dissection lab of the school. We wandered among many tables with covered bodies. He undraped his particular subject which they had given a name. There were large plastic trash cans full of arms and brains. I remember climbing a short ladder and looking down into a tank with a full human body floating. Quite disturbing,p had I not had a number of cocktails beforehand.
I do so enjoy your wonderful writing. And, you didn’t have to throw out the F bomb once. Congratulations. Write on.
I would LOVE to see all the corpses and how they are used in anatomy lab. I’m so jealous. I feel like it helps me think of death as an absudity of life, something inevitable but also not just solemn or a loss. Something more.
If my kids keep my ashes in the trunk of their car, they can be used if the car gets stuck in ice or snow. I know that ashes work that way because, well, thank you Aunt Gladys.
Elisia! Just taking the convo from notes to the comments. Tell us some Jamaican rituals and death customs that you love, dislike, think are funny, odd, gross, whatever. Love to hear the customs from other countries and cultures. Thank you!
Ideally I would like to be planted to fertilize a tree. That is an expensive and inconvenient option. If they choose, my family can accept the cremation I have prepaid, and a corner of a family grave plot. As you pointed out in your essay, I won't control their actions. I hope they have a wake, preferably while I'm able to enjoy it. My post-mortem career will be the way they remember me, whether it helps or hinders them.
The cadaver photos reminded me sharply of
Guillermo Del Toro's version of "Frankenstein," which I just watched on Netflix. Cadavers and body parts were used in gruesome and shocking ways.. The resulting person was aesthetically beautiful. He developed emotionally and morally, through pain and rejection, friendship, love, rage, revenge, and forgiveness, independently of the temperaments or values of those who used the body parts first. It's a powerful metaphor for something I can't define.
At a glass-blowing shop I learned they will make beautiful glass objects with one tablespoon of ashes -- so much better to give the grandkids a work of art that contains Nana's ashes then an urn.
Loved the article, Kim, you always make us smile while we think.
And thank you for the update on our reunited family ❤️ With support, this family will succeed.
You did a great service, pulling together so many to help that family.
I considered donation but then I looked into it. My body would probably be rejected as so much is missing, and age, and other issues. Then, some places may charge. Usually transportation of the body and such is covered, but check the company or institution first. Within your state is possible but out of state gets too expensive for a lot of institutions. I like the idea of some good coming from this old body but I doubt that is to be, so cremation for me - fried and then scattered. No cheese.
When my wife asked me what I want done with my body after I died, I told her it didn’t matter. I won’t care. She has similar sentiments, but I think we’d both like each other to decide so the living don’t have to make the decision.
I used to work security at Harvard Medical school. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning we’d hear a call on the radio to assist with an “anatomical donation.” Harvard was quite respectful of the donations. When the bodies are no longer needed, the cremated remains are offered back to the family, or Harvard will cover the cost to bury the remains at Pine Hill Cemetery a bit north of Boston. Once a year the medical school and dental school conduct a memorial service for the donors to honor their gift.
My brother and I were very grateful that our parents had pre-paid for cremation plus a boat ride out to sea to distribute their ashes. We didn’t have to worry about their wishes or make any arrangements, which was truly a gift. The only hitch was their orthodox Jewish neighbors. The practice of cremation is deeply upsetting to many Jewish people for a variety of reasons and so when their orthodox Jewish neighbors asked when and where the burial service was to take place, I had to very politely but firmly (and simultaneously evasively) say, “We are following their wishes for privacy and family-only arrangements. There will be a memorial service at synagogue for everyone on this day/time/location.”
I am so happy that the family has stability till at least September. I'm sure he won't do this perfectly but -- he's trying and it's the best thing ever! It's the social worker in me that feels so incredibly good about seeing someone like this family step out of that awful cycle they were in.
The other part of your story was so humorous and true! When my mom's oldest sister and best friend passed away, her kids got her cremated and had my mom pick her up at the crematorium. Mom put the bright blue plastic box in a large JC Penny back and put it in the back of her SUV. There was a plan for the next year to have her ashes interred with my grandparents. Mom was SUPPOSED to put the ashes in a closet in the house until then. She didn't. No one knew it.
About six months later, I had to borrow mom's SUV while my car was in the shop. It was parked in front of our apartment, that was gated, so I didn't really think about locking the car. It was the late 90's. That night I was awakened with a blood curdling screams of several young people. I lept to the window to see the back of mom's car open, light on and three screaming kids running down the street. Like, really screaming!
I put on my clothes and ran down the stairs of the apartment to find aunt Betty strewn across the back of the car and a little on the parking lot. It looks like the kids had seen the JC Penney's bag and thought they really had something, opened the bright blue box and stuck in their hand. Directly into Aunt Betty's ashes! I laughed so hard I cried. My daughter wasn't as amused as me. The next morning I vacuumed up Aunt Betty, put some of her back in the box and took her into mom's house on the way to work. No one, including my mom, ever knew that my aunt went on one last wild ride! Thanks for reminding me! Kelli
OMGGGG, you should've written this piece. This is the best story!
That is precisely why I don't want to be in the box. Although I do hope Aunt Betty had a good laugh about it, if such afterlives exist. But man, Kelli, I haven't stopped chuckling.
Fabulous piece on a little discussed topic. I am in the process of writing a post about what we think is a 'good death' but I wasn't planning on going to the next level. I agree with you that we essentially lose control and it probably depends on which kid wins out (mine have very different dispositions).
Funnily enough, my husband and I have discussed our wishes and we sound rather like an O'Henry story. I say I want his ashes to be in a single place, because I am a very concrete person and want to talk to him; he says that he doesn't give a damn where I am because he would never go there and can talk to me in his head. Since presumably only one of us will die first, I guess it depends who is the lucky one.
Yes, but only because we know the other would make their own decision! It probably means that neither of us gets what we really want, but it won't matter because, as you rightly say, there is no control at that point.
This reminds me that my brother had plans to bury my parents' ashes in their country home and I was given the job of discussing this with my father. His response, very emphatic: "I don't give a damn what you do with me, because I won't be there!". In fact, we did what my brother wanted in a small ceremony of family and friends at which I recounted my Dad's comment.
Wow , awesome writing. This is so enlightening and educational. I particularly liked how you addressed that those left behind should do what they need to to rest easy and live in peace. I really don't think people get it. You're dead you have no say now. Thank you!
I’m so glad to know I am not the only one whose claustrophobia plays into their post mortem plans. Rational or not, I do not want my body in a coffin. And the only container I’d want my ashes placed into is an hourglass. I could be useful as a timer.
God, Kim, you take me to the very edge of what I can tolerate, and somehow make it beautiful, heartrending, important. I appreciate you and your writing and your heart so much.
Ms. Foster: what a delightful piece. “Please don’t walk my ashes like a poodle”. Superb line and truth behind it.
I was the neighbor of a medical student years ago and in his first year he took me to the dissection lab of the school. We wandered among many tables with covered bodies. He undraped his particular subject which they had given a name. There were large plastic trash cans full of arms and brains. I remember climbing a short ladder and looking down into a tank with a full human body floating. Quite disturbing,p had I not had a number of cocktails beforehand.
I do so enjoy your wonderful writing. And, you didn’t have to throw out the F bomb once. Congratulations. Write on.
Dean, you are changing my writing!
I would LOVE to see all the corpses and how they are used in anatomy lab. I’m so jealous. I feel like it helps me think of death as an absudity of life, something inevitable but also not just solemn or a loss. Something more.
If my kids keep my ashes in the trunk of their car, they can be used if the car gets stuck in ice or snow. I know that ashes work that way because, well, thank you Aunt Gladys.
These images are stunning and haunting. Brilliant article Kim 🙏🏾
Elisia! Just taking the convo from notes to the comments. Tell us some Jamaican rituals and death customs that you love, dislike, think are funny, odd, gross, whatever. Love to hear the customs from other countries and cultures. Thank you!
Ideally I would like to be planted to fertilize a tree. That is an expensive and inconvenient option. If they choose, my family can accept the cremation I have prepaid, and a corner of a family grave plot. As you pointed out in your essay, I won't control their actions. I hope they have a wake, preferably while I'm able to enjoy it. My post-mortem career will be the way they remember me, whether it helps or hinders them.
The cadaver photos reminded me sharply of
Guillermo Del Toro's version of "Frankenstein," which I just watched on Netflix. Cadavers and body parts were used in gruesome and shocking ways.. The resulting person was aesthetically beautiful. He developed emotionally and morally, through pain and rejection, friendship, love, rage, revenge, and forgiveness, independently of the temperaments or values of those who used the body parts first. It's a powerful metaphor for something I can't define.
Oh wow, putting it on my list of things to watch. Thank you for this rec.
Also, I love the idea of a wake while you are alive. A roast, a party, a meal, something where people say all the unspoken things. Nice, Irene.
At a glass-blowing shop I learned they will make beautiful glass objects with one tablespoon of ashes -- so much better to give the grandkids a work of art that contains Nana's ashes then an urn.
Loved the article, Kim, you always make us smile while we think.
And thank you for the update on our reunited family ❤️ With support, this family will succeed.
I love that idea! of course, blown glass! So great.
I think they will be okay. Thank you for your support!
You did a great service, pulling together so many to help that family.
I considered donation but then I looked into it. My body would probably be rejected as so much is missing, and age, and other issues. Then, some places may charge. Usually transportation of the body and such is covered, but check the company or institution first. Within your state is possible but out of state gets too expensive for a lot of institutions. I like the idea of some good coming from this old body but I doubt that is to be, so cremation for me - fried and then scattered. No cheese.
I’m thinking “brain donation.” I plan to live to be aged, like wine and cheese. So my brain could be useful no matter what shape its in.
Oh, that's a good idea! I'll check into that. I'm hoping for another twenty to thirty good years. I hope I have at least a brain after that.
You and me both!
When my wife asked me what I want done with my body after I died, I told her it didn’t matter. I won’t care. She has similar sentiments, but I think we’d both like each other to decide so the living don’t have to make the decision.
I used to work security at Harvard Medical school. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning we’d hear a call on the radio to assist with an “anatomical donation.” Harvard was quite respectful of the donations. When the bodies are no longer needed, the cremated remains are offered back to the family, or Harvard will cover the cost to bury the remains at Pine Hill Cemetery a bit north of Boston. Once a year the medical school and dental school conduct a memorial service for the donors to honor their gift.
That is so respectful!
OMG. This is beautiful!!!!
I'd read about that at Harvard; it's a wonderful way to instill respect in future medical professionals.
This is news to me. wonderful.
My brother and I were very grateful that our parents had pre-paid for cremation plus a boat ride out to sea to distribute their ashes. We didn’t have to worry about their wishes or make any arrangements, which was truly a gift. The only hitch was their orthodox Jewish neighbors. The practice of cremation is deeply upsetting to many Jewish people for a variety of reasons and so when their orthodox Jewish neighbors asked when and where the burial service was to take place, I had to very politely but firmly (and simultaneously evasively) say, “We are following their wishes for privacy and family-only arrangements. There will be a memorial service at synagogue for everyone on this day/time/location.”
Fascinating read, as usual.
Ideally, I'd like my ashes to be mixed into a bespoke spice blend and distributed amongst my friends.
See? I’m not even talented enough to come up with this kind of answer.
I won’t be receiving a bespoke spice blend will I?????
Just send a self addressed stamped envelope to my executors. You've got your request in early, so chances are very good.
I am so happy that the family has stability till at least September. I'm sure he won't do this perfectly but -- he's trying and it's the best thing ever! It's the social worker in me that feels so incredibly good about seeing someone like this family step out of that awful cycle they were in.
The other part of your story was so humorous and true! When my mom's oldest sister and best friend passed away, her kids got her cremated and had my mom pick her up at the crematorium. Mom put the bright blue plastic box in a large JC Penny back and put it in the back of her SUV. There was a plan for the next year to have her ashes interred with my grandparents. Mom was SUPPOSED to put the ashes in a closet in the house until then. She didn't. No one knew it.
About six months later, I had to borrow mom's SUV while my car was in the shop. It was parked in front of our apartment, that was gated, so I didn't really think about locking the car. It was the late 90's. That night I was awakened with a blood curdling screams of several young people. I lept to the window to see the back of mom's car open, light on and three screaming kids running down the street. Like, really screaming!
I put on my clothes and ran down the stairs of the apartment to find aunt Betty strewn across the back of the car and a little on the parking lot. It looks like the kids had seen the JC Penney's bag and thought they really had something, opened the bright blue box and stuck in their hand. Directly into Aunt Betty's ashes! I laughed so hard I cried. My daughter wasn't as amused as me. The next morning I vacuumed up Aunt Betty, put some of her back in the box and took her into mom's house on the way to work. No one, including my mom, ever knew that my aunt went on one last wild ride! Thanks for reminding me! Kelli
OMGGGG, you should've written this piece. This is the best story!
That is precisely why I don't want to be in the box. Although I do hope Aunt Betty had a good laugh about it, if such afterlives exist. But man, Kelli, I haven't stopped chuckling.
Fabulous piece on a little discussed topic. I am in the process of writing a post about what we think is a 'good death' but I wasn't planning on going to the next level. I agree with you that we essentially lose control and it probably depends on which kid wins out (mine have very different dispositions).
Funnily enough, my husband and I have discussed our wishes and we sound rather like an O'Henry story. I say I want his ashes to be in a single place, because I am a very concrete person and want to talk to him; he says that he doesn't give a damn where I am because he would never go there and can talk to me in his head. Since presumably only one of us will die first, I guess it depends who is the lucky one.
I love that you both left it up to the other to decide you fate. I think this is the way to do it!
Yes, but only because we know the other would make their own decision! It probably means that neither of us gets what we really want, but it won't matter because, as you rightly say, there is no control at that point.
This reminds me that my brother had plans to bury my parents' ashes in their country home and I was given the job of discussing this with my father. His response, very emphatic: "I don't give a damn what you do with me, because I won't be there!". In fact, we did what my brother wanted in a small ceremony of family and friends at which I recounted my Dad's comment.
Wow , awesome writing. This is so enlightening and educational. I particularly liked how you addressed that those left behind should do what they need to to rest easy and live in peace. I really don't think people get it. You're dead you have no say now. Thank you!
This seems to be the hard part - the not having control. Or controlling people from the crypt. We have no say!
I’m so glad to know I am not the only one whose claustrophobia plays into their post mortem plans. Rational or not, I do not want my body in a coffin. And the only container I’d want my ashes placed into is an hourglass. I could be useful as a timer.
The hourglass is a wonderfully weird idea. Can you imagine the board games? You're shaking mom a little hard there...... bwah ha ha ha ha ha