Hand to heart. This is so beautiful and powerful. As a childfree woman, this is exactly what I needed to hear on this Mother's Day... and believe it to be so true... Thank you...
Some of the best uncomplicated mothering comes from women who don’t see themselves as mothers. Thank you for gong the extra mile for your people. It matters. Happy mother’s day to you!
Thanks. I miss my "mums,' though I called them extra moms. They held me when my mom was being . . unreasonable. One told me she'd teach me Italian, starting with one phrase until I had it perfect. I should have figured it out right away but as I couldn't have said it in English I did not recognize it: Io sona bella. I am beautiful.
I was fortunate to have extra dads too, my parents' gay friends. They also held me when my mom was being . . unreasonable, though while hugging me they'd murmur, "she's such a bitch."
Sorry one of your loves is no longer there for hugs. I still feel held by mine, seventeen years after I lost the last of them.
Thought of you and your mum the whole time! I hope she is still with us. I appreciate her so much. As I remember she was quite opinionated on this subject.
Sally, I forgot where she lives. I wanted to make sure I had her city in the piece and couldn't place it.
I will have to stop hating myself for my daughter not talking to me. I am and was a good Mom. She decided that I wasn't. But I have nurtured many other women. I can be happy with that. Beautiful article. I cried because it's so close to home.
Hi Dru - I'm so sorry. I know estrangment can feel so annihiating and confusing. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Although it's painful to not be talking to your daughter, I am so pleased that you have found comfort in using your mothering skills to support other young people. You know, we have so much experience and wisdom to share, there are people out there who need you.
For instance, there are probably kids aging out of foster care alone in your community, completely un-mothered, that could use a good mom to guide and advise. I think if i were estranged from my kids, I'd fold myself hard into showing up for other young people. I think it would help heal me, and also help me not devolve into bitterness.
One little word: If you can, Dru, keep your heart open to your daughte returning. She might someday and you want your heart to be open, forgiving and happy to welcome her back.
I hope you continue to do this work of mothering for other people, because it will help you and them, and maybe even your daughter. I am so wishing you the very very best. Kim xo
Thank you. Robyn. It is a loss, and we will miss her light and love, but we both agree that she had a pretty solid run to 91, was extremely active and social and had a fun life, and died with her daughter holding her hand, and living with the love of her life. I mean, we should all be this fortunate. :)
Very good column. I do think you using the F bomb in the eleventh paragraph was superfluous. You’re too good a writer to have to throw in such a jarring word needlessly. I’m not against the word. I use it my conversations with friends, but feel that’s where it belongs - personal conversations. Just a thought. All the other many words were great. Write on.
I respectfully disagree. I thought it added punch and really touched on the exhaustion of the topic for those of us with deeply flawed, complex, or difficult relationships with our mothers. It felt, in one word, as if she was saying, "it is what it is," followed by the wave of a hand and a tired drag on a cigarette. Swearing does not always take writing down a notch; sometimes it enhances it.
Fair. Years ago, there was this prestigious magazine run by male chefs and I wanted in so badly. So I butched up my writing, started using more terse language, short sentences, less emoting, swearing, writing about gritty topics like drugs, more “masculine” kinds of writing.
I never got into that mag. It folded just as I submitted an essay but the style stayed. I’m not saying this was good or bad, just how it is.
But this is where i am. I appreciate your ideas and always want to hear them. I’m always trying to be better. Thanks Dean!
Yeah, I had a couple different photgraphers that I thought fit the bill, but the first one I chose wasn't working. I find I write to the photos, so I start writing the poece and mid way, I choose the photos, pop them in and write the rest of the piece around the photos. I feel very inspired by these photographers and artists!
"Sometimes the mother-child relationship can be difficult, complex, weighted down by old disagreements, disappointments, wounds, and failures. That relationship is primal, even when it isn’t good or good enough. Being estranged from your mother, for instance, is its own relationship. The absence never stops having an ache, and the ache, like it or not, the absence of her, becomes your mother." Oof! Beautiful writing that nails the emotion and experience.
Let's re-parent ourselves, become our own secure attachment, and forgive everyone for not having the unrealistic, ideal mother-child relationships. Thank you, Kim!
Hand to heart. This is so beautiful and powerful. As a childfree woman, this is exactly what I needed to hear on this Mother's Day... and believe it to be so true... Thank you...
Some of the best uncomplicated mothering comes from women who don’t see themselves as mothers. Thank you for gong the extra mile for your people. It matters. Happy mother’s day to you!
To all the Mums out there, Happy Mother's Day! 🌹 💐
Happy mother's day! The funny thing is, when I wrote this I forgot it was mothers' day this weekend!!!
Thank you! What a beautiful essay about family-not-family.
I love the family-not-family connections.
Thanks. I miss my "mums,' though I called them extra moms. They held me when my mom was being . . unreasonable. One told me she'd teach me Italian, starting with one phrase until I had it perfect. I should have figured it out right away but as I couldn't have said it in English I did not recognize it: Io sona bella. I am beautiful.
I was fortunate to have extra dads too, my parents' gay friends. They also held me when my mom was being . . unreasonable, though while hugging me they'd murmur, "she's such a bitch."
Sorry one of your loves is no longer there for hugs. I still feel held by mine, seventeen years after I lost the last of them.
The way people love us matters. My fav part of your comment is the “she’s such a bitch.” Bwah ha ha ha ha perfect.
I love the time spent in that apartment. Xxx
Thought of you and your mum the whole time! I hope she is still with us. I appreciate her so much. As I remember she was quite opinionated on this subject.
Sally, I forgot where she lives. I wanted to make sure I had her city in the piece and couldn't place it.
I will have to stop hating myself for my daughter not talking to me. I am and was a good Mom. She decided that I wasn't. But I have nurtured many other women. I can be happy with that. Beautiful article. I cried because it's so close to home.
Hi Dru - I'm so sorry. I know estrangment can feel so annihiating and confusing. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Although it's painful to not be talking to your daughter, I am so pleased that you have found comfort in using your mothering skills to support other young people. You know, we have so much experience and wisdom to share, there are people out there who need you.
For instance, there are probably kids aging out of foster care alone in your community, completely un-mothered, that could use a good mom to guide and advise. I think if i were estranged from my kids, I'd fold myself hard into showing up for other young people. I think it would help heal me, and also help me not devolve into bitterness.
One little word: If you can, Dru, keep your heart open to your daughte returning. She might someday and you want your heart to be open, forgiving and happy to welcome her back.
I hope you continue to do this work of mothering for other people, because it will help you and them, and maybe even your daughter. I am so wishing you the very very best. Kim xo
I would love for her to change her mind. I'm getting older, so not sure it will happen. So I mentor others and have many "daughters". Thank you.
This is beautiful, Kim. And I’m so sorry for David’s loss, and for yours.
Thank you. Robyn. It is a loss, and we will miss her light and love, but we both agree that she had a pretty solid run to 91, was extremely active and social and had a fun life, and died with her daughter holding her hand, and living with the love of her life. I mean, we should all be this fortunate. :)
Thank you for this…
Lovely. Makes me warm and fuzzy and proud to be a Mum.
Thanks. This made me cry. All so very true, and the pav? Completely relate-able!
The pav! I haven't made one since. I am forever traumatized!
Very good column. I do think you using the F bomb in the eleventh paragraph was superfluous. You’re too good a writer to have to throw in such a jarring word needlessly. I’m not against the word. I use it my conversations with friends, but feel that’s where it belongs - personal conversations. Just a thought. All the other many words were great. Write on.
I respectfully disagree. I thought it added punch and really touched on the exhaustion of the topic for those of us with deeply flawed, complex, or difficult relationships with our mothers. It felt, in one word, as if she was saying, "it is what it is," followed by the wave of a hand and a tired drag on a cigarette. Swearing does not always take writing down a notch; sometimes it enhances it.
Thank you, Ezra. I do try not to
Over swear and use it to pack a punch or show desperation as you said. Appreciate the thoughtful feedback.
Fair. Years ago, there was this prestigious magazine run by male chefs and I wanted in so badly. So I butched up my writing, started using more terse language, short sentences, less emoting, swearing, writing about gritty topics like drugs, more “masculine” kinds of writing.
I never got into that mag. It folded just as I submitted an essay but the style stayed. I’m not saying this was good or bad, just how it is.
But this is where i am. I appreciate your ideas and always want to hear them. I’m always trying to be better. Thanks Dean!
Very insightful. Thank you.
And the photos you chose: Wow!!! 🤩💖
Yeah, I had a couple different photgraphers that I thought fit the bill, but the first one I chose wasn't working. I find I write to the photos, so I start writing the poece and mid way, I choose the photos, pop them in and write the rest of the piece around the photos. I feel very inspired by these photographers and artists!
Yes, it shows in the posts how the photos and words go (and grow) together!
"Sometimes the mother-child relationship can be difficult, complex, weighted down by old disagreements, disappointments, wounds, and failures. That relationship is primal, even when it isn’t good or good enough. Being estranged from your mother, for instance, is its own relationship. The absence never stops having an ache, and the ache, like it or not, the absence of her, becomes your mother." Oof! Beautiful writing that nails the emotion and experience.
Let's re-parent ourselves, become our own secure attachment, and forgive everyone for not having the unrealistic, ideal mother-child relationships. Thank you, Kim!
Yes, this is so hard and yet, the best we can do for ourselves. I’m learning.