This post makes me feel mean, as I’ve turned away from my vulnerable person again. It’s hard to think of her as vulnerable, as she was always such an aggressor. We came from the same household so why is she so vulnerable when I’m not? Well I am, but she taught me to be so small that no one would know. I won’t reach out to her today. Because when I give an inch, she takes a mile, and I don’t feel like I have so much to give lately. RIP Matt.
Sigh. "...she taught me to be so small that no one would know." I'm so sorry. I think in this scenario you are the vulnerable person, Kris, and I hope you will do something nice for yourself today, a little reminder that you are not small, that you matter and that you are seen. Just a little nice thing just for you, okay?
Read with tears obscuring the words! Have been trying so hard to understand what is happening with a very much younger person, in quiet crisis. Slippage, the word hurts so much right now. So bleak now and yet this beautiful article made me think of the future pain for those of us involved. And maybe, maybe, seeing the term, understanding at this point, could provide for us involved, a glimmer of hope if we try more empathy instead of scorn!
It's so hard, Priscilla. What I found works for me is really understanding that the person in your life isn't REFUSING to make the right choices, they simply CANNOT. This is why recitivism after incarceration is so high, because whatever the problem was that led people to commit a crime, even the threat of jail can't make them change. That's because they are not capable of changing at that time. This helped me be more patient, stop trying to punish the behaviors. Give them consequences. because you can't punish mental illness or trauma or a head injury. You have to support and give grace and continue to see them, But you can't make them stop. I'm so sorry this is happening. Love to you and your vulnerable person. xo
I read this with great sadness. I lived in Vegas for 15 years in the 90s and I knew Matt, we were fellow film critics at one of the weeklies and had lunch a few times. He was smart, but always a bit odd and obsessive. I have been gone for a long time and had not heard this story, so thank you so much for writing about him.
Thank you for writing this . It’s meaningful to me . A very close person in my life , family really, was in slippage and was also murdered . I am learning to love people where they are at, maybe that’s the best they can be and they won’t get better again .
Kim, I didn't realize that you were the neighbor Matt often spoke of when we would talk on the phone (at length, after I left Vegas, and really more him talking and me listening). This all connects now, and your experience fills in some of the holes where mine left off. Thank you for sharing this (I know you read my piece on Matt as well).
This part "It was the kind of thing that was truly Matt at his core - trying to do the right thing, trying to make the connection." says so much -- it doesn't excuse all the awful, borderline abusive/terrorizing things Matt did. But it's a reminder that the reason any of us gave him grace is that we kind of knew this to be true, even if his mental or emotional state often led him to take that attempt at connection down a path incompatible with the world the rest of us occupied.
I was really uncomfortable reading this at first, but kept at it because you are so honest and compassionate toward this man, while not making any excuses for him. This is the kind of writing I hope to emulate. Kudos.
Yes, sadly there are so many Matt’s in our world. Some have a true mental illness, some have other issues.
They can be difficult to be around. And it takes a special person to befriend them. What the answer is I do not know - but being more kind and loving with everyone is a step on the right direction.
I'm so glad you were able to change course and write this instead of whatever spectacular post you were going to write. I read it as soon as it came out. When I finished reading, I was crying, sobbing really and had to sit with it for a few days before I could comment.
Slipage is avery real thing. I'm so sorry that Matt had to find his peace in death. My husband is currently in slipage. He grew up brutally poor with parents who had serious undiagnosed mental illness. He was smart and worked his way through University. He was a great news journalist and photographer but when he married the first time, he needed a more steady job with health benefits. He became a social worker like me. He worked hard to get up the career ladder. I met him 20 years later -- many years after his divorce --while he was running the entire Electronic Benefits Transfer program for our state. He was responsible for millions and millions of dollars in SNAP benefits each month.
He was no contact from his long- divorced parents. Then his mother died. He began slipping. Just walked in one day and quit his job. Four months after I had a heart attack, he quit our marriage. He quit his kids. He's never met his precious grandson -- I see him regularly.
I haven't seen or heard from him since Labor Day 2017. We will be married 20 years next week. I am loved by my own family and his kids as well. He has no one. I tried really hard to get him to return at first even though I was pissed at his callousness of sneaking out in the middle of the night after many years of marriage.
I swear to god, every time the man on the news says there was a body found somewhere -- I immediately hold my breath until they say someone else's name.
I know Matt only his name is Jerry. Life can be hard and brutal. I have always been lucky that my family and friends love me. I'm pretty sure no one loves Jerry these days. It's a sad way to go but you can't force someone to allow themselves to be loved. Some people need to be right to their own detriment.
Thanks for writing this. It put into words things I couldn't. Now I must lie down with a headache!
God I’m sorry. My ex began to slip when his mother died. He eventually left me, our children, and went no contact with a lifetime of friends and all his family. He has grandchildren he’s never met. I know where he lives and who he is married to but noone knows anything about him anymore. Just so strange. But what can we do?
You’re welcome. The only thing I can think of is that he somehow list his mind. Or was not who I thought he was all along. I’ll most likely never have all the answers. I sometimes think it would have been better had he died.
This was so touching and beautifully written. RIP Matt. We all have known a Matt or two and it’s easy walking away or shunning them as a means of self preservation. Reaching out knowing there are no solutions, no amount of help offered can actually help them stop slipping? That’s the hard part. We want to help but know we can’t. So we walk away to save ourselves the heartbreak of witnessing their decline
You are such a beautiful and real writer. And that piece on Baby - I shared it with everyone! I'm sorry that Matt threatened you, proud of how you came out in front, really amazed that you could still offer grace. I was stalked by a neighbor and was so grateful when he left. It's so peaceful without him! But I will definitely keep an eye out for the more vulnerable. Right now I feel I'm the vulnerable one, not slipping yet, but not far away from my first fall... thinking about how to keep myself on the right side of the page...
My neurosurgeon says we start decaying at 50. The slippage begins. My sister broke her hip a month ago. Slippage. She told the doctor no surgery until after her 80th birthday party, June 9th. I have another sister Matt. She’s still living. And. slipping.
Not exactly easy to show up for somebody when the only thing you ever experienced from them was stalking, harassment, and violent ugliness.
I’m sorry this happened to your friend but I’m not sorry it happened to him in particular. I feel for his family but the sense of relief MY personal community felt when we learned of his passing was huge.
I know you’re not trying to excuse his behavior with this piece. But it’s 2025 and his atrocious behavior and patterns of abuse on his vulnerability (towards women and children espesh) didn’t deserve such a lovely epitaph.
I realize I’m a “mean girl” to many a Las Vegan. But not sure how many people privately contacted me to thank me for how I stood up to Matt… friend and foe. I’m well aware many certain people would be dancing on my grave as well if I was murdered. But I’m ok with that because I don’t pin my behavior on mental illness. I’m just a bitch.
I have been in LA for five years now and that piece of work still called me up? Still threatened me?
I dunno. Not at all doubting your sincerity or lived experience. Something about a post humous pass makes me feel ick.
Hi Joie - I respect you immensely. You have no BS and you have called a spade a spade, without compromsing anything. I admire that and you. I know he was shitty to women and people in general and he lost his community because he continued to fuck up.
But what he did and why and how everything went down is not something I know about, so I can't really write about it. It's all hearsay and gossip to me. Who he wrote about in texts, and what he said, I have no idea. Apparently, he texted all his friends shitty things. I am finding out a lot of this now. I tried very hard to stay out of it back then. I didn't want to give his anxiety anymore ammo.
Just know - I sincerely did not feel I was giving him a pass with this piece. In fact, I worried it was a terrible and mean eulogy/ tribute. LOL. I know his sister will read this and I wanted to keep her in mind when I was writing. None of this was her responsibility.
I respect your lived experience, Joie, and am so sorry Matt was so awful to you. You did not deserve that. I have to give grace and move on though. It's the only way I can not carry him around. And that's not for everyone. So I get that we may differ on that. :)
I am here if you ever need to talk though. 917-903-1344. I hope all the women he hurt have some peace now and aren't afraid. Especially you. I hope you are having a beautiful life out there in Cali. xo
Thank you Kim, for this tender essay that is both specific to Matt Kelemen and calls us to be compassionate with all the Matt's whose orbits intersect with ours. The Venn diagram of late stage capitalism, mental health and social connections places us all closer to slippage than perhaps we are willing to acknowledge.
Matt wrote a profile on me for LV Mag in 2011 and I was delighted how it turned out with him including some idiosyncrasies that made me feel seen, but in our few later interactions he was unnervingly candid about his mental health struggles. Thank you for giving the background and the reminder that everyone is carrying a load we cannot see and to give them grace as best we can.
This post makes me feel mean, as I’ve turned away from my vulnerable person again. It’s hard to think of her as vulnerable, as she was always such an aggressor. We came from the same household so why is she so vulnerable when I’m not? Well I am, but she taught me to be so small that no one would know. I won’t reach out to her today. Because when I give an inch, she takes a mile, and I don’t feel like I have so much to give lately. RIP Matt.
Sigh. "...she taught me to be so small that no one would know." I'm so sorry. I think in this scenario you are the vulnerable person, Kris, and I hope you will do something nice for yourself today, a little reminder that you are not small, that you matter and that you are seen. Just a little nice thing just for you, okay?
Priscilla
Read with tears obscuring the words! Have been trying so hard to understand what is happening with a very much younger person, in quiet crisis. Slippage, the word hurts so much right now. So bleak now and yet this beautiful article made me think of the future pain for those of us involved. And maybe, maybe, seeing the term, understanding at this point, could provide for us involved, a glimmer of hope if we try more empathy instead of scorn!
It's so hard, Priscilla. What I found works for me is really understanding that the person in your life isn't REFUSING to make the right choices, they simply CANNOT. This is why recitivism after incarceration is so high, because whatever the problem was that led people to commit a crime, even the threat of jail can't make them change. That's because they are not capable of changing at that time. This helped me be more patient, stop trying to punish the behaviors. Give them consequences. because you can't punish mental illness or trauma or a head injury. You have to support and give grace and continue to see them, But you can't make them stop. I'm so sorry this is happening. Love to you and your vulnerable person. xo
I read this with great sadness. I lived in Vegas for 15 years in the 90s and I knew Matt, we were fellow film critics at one of the weeklies and had lunch a few times. He was smart, but always a bit odd and obsessive. I have been gone for a long time and had not heard this story, so thank you so much for writing about him.
Thank you for writing this . It’s meaningful to me . A very close person in my life , family really, was in slippage and was also murdered . I am learning to love people where they are at, maybe that’s the best they can be and they won’t get better again .
Kim, I didn't realize that you were the neighbor Matt often spoke of when we would talk on the phone (at length, after I left Vegas, and really more him talking and me listening). This all connects now, and your experience fills in some of the holes where mine left off. Thank you for sharing this (I know you read my piece on Matt as well).
This part "It was the kind of thing that was truly Matt at his core - trying to do the right thing, trying to make the connection." says so much -- it doesn't excuse all the awful, borderline abusive/terrorizing things Matt did. But it's a reminder that the reason any of us gave him grace is that we kind of knew this to be true, even if his mental or emotional state often led him to take that attempt at connection down a path incompatible with the world the rest of us occupied.
I was really uncomfortable reading this at first, but kept at it because you are so honest and compassionate toward this man, while not making any excuses for him. This is the kind of writing I hope to emulate. Kudos.
Yes, sadly there are so many Matt’s in our world. Some have a true mental illness, some have other issues.
They can be difficult to be around. And it takes a special person to befriend them. What the answer is I do not know - but being more kind and loving with everyone is a step on the right direction.
Thanks for sharing! 💕
I'm so glad you were able to change course and write this instead of whatever spectacular post you were going to write. I read it as soon as it came out. When I finished reading, I was crying, sobbing really and had to sit with it for a few days before I could comment.
Slipage is avery real thing. I'm so sorry that Matt had to find his peace in death. My husband is currently in slipage. He grew up brutally poor with parents who had serious undiagnosed mental illness. He was smart and worked his way through University. He was a great news journalist and photographer but when he married the first time, he needed a more steady job with health benefits. He became a social worker like me. He worked hard to get up the career ladder. I met him 20 years later -- many years after his divorce --while he was running the entire Electronic Benefits Transfer program for our state. He was responsible for millions and millions of dollars in SNAP benefits each month.
He was no contact from his long- divorced parents. Then his mother died. He began slipping. Just walked in one day and quit his job. Four months after I had a heart attack, he quit our marriage. He quit his kids. He's never met his precious grandson -- I see him regularly.
I haven't seen or heard from him since Labor Day 2017. We will be married 20 years next week. I am loved by my own family and his kids as well. He has no one. I tried really hard to get him to return at first even though I was pissed at his callousness of sneaking out in the middle of the night after many years of marriage.
I swear to god, every time the man on the news says there was a body found somewhere -- I immediately hold my breath until they say someone else's name.
I know Matt only his name is Jerry. Life can be hard and brutal. I have always been lucky that my family and friends love me. I'm pretty sure no one loves Jerry these days. It's a sad way to go but you can't force someone to allow themselves to be loved. Some people need to be right to their own detriment.
Thanks for writing this. It put into words things I couldn't. Now I must lie down with a headache!
God I’m sorry. My ex began to slip when his mother died. He eventually left me, our children, and went no contact with a lifetime of friends and all his family. He has grandchildren he’s never met. I know where he lives and who he is married to but noone knows anything about him anymore. Just so strange. But what can we do?
Is it awful of me to feel somehow comforted that I was not the only person to have experienced this?!? Thank you for sharing this. Thank you.
You’re welcome. The only thing I can think of is that he somehow list his mind. Or was not who I thought he was all along. I’ll most likely never have all the answers. I sometimes think it would have been better had he died.
This was so touching and beautifully written. RIP Matt. We all have known a Matt or two and it’s easy walking away or shunning them as a means of self preservation. Reaching out knowing there are no solutions, no amount of help offered can actually help them stop slipping? That’s the hard part. We want to help but know we can’t. So we walk away to save ourselves the heartbreak of witnessing their decline
You are such a beautiful and real writer. And that piece on Baby - I shared it with everyone! I'm sorry that Matt threatened you, proud of how you came out in front, really amazed that you could still offer grace. I was stalked by a neighbor and was so grateful when he left. It's so peaceful without him! But I will definitely keep an eye out for the more vulnerable. Right now I feel I'm the vulnerable one, not slipping yet, but not far away from my first fall... thinking about how to keep myself on the right side of the page...
Such an incredible and insightful way to explain Matt. I truly appreciate your words and can't wait to meet you.
This ❤️🩹
My neurosurgeon says we start decaying at 50. The slippage begins. My sister broke her hip a month ago. Slippage. She told the doctor no surgery until after her 80th birthday party, June 9th. I have another sister Matt. She’s still living. And. slipping.
Thank you Kim. It’s such a difficult thing, reconciling disparate feelings in a case like this. Slippage. I’m going to remember that. Thanks again.
Not exactly easy to show up for somebody when the only thing you ever experienced from them was stalking, harassment, and violent ugliness.
I’m sorry this happened to your friend but I’m not sorry it happened to him in particular. I feel for his family but the sense of relief MY personal community felt when we learned of his passing was huge.
I know you’re not trying to excuse his behavior with this piece. But it’s 2025 and his atrocious behavior and patterns of abuse on his vulnerability (towards women and children espesh) didn’t deserve such a lovely epitaph.
I realize I’m a “mean girl” to many a Las Vegan. But not sure how many people privately contacted me to thank me for how I stood up to Matt… friend and foe. I’m well aware many certain people would be dancing on my grave as well if I was murdered. But I’m ok with that because I don’t pin my behavior on mental illness. I’m just a bitch.
I have been in LA for five years now and that piece of work still called me up? Still threatened me?
I dunno. Not at all doubting your sincerity or lived experience. Something about a post humous pass makes me feel ick.
Love to your fam and RIP Jack.
Hi Joie - I respect you immensely. You have no BS and you have called a spade a spade, without compromsing anything. I admire that and you. I know he was shitty to women and people in general and he lost his community because he continued to fuck up.
But what he did and why and how everything went down is not something I know about, so I can't really write about it. It's all hearsay and gossip to me. Who he wrote about in texts, and what he said, I have no idea. Apparently, he texted all his friends shitty things. I am finding out a lot of this now. I tried very hard to stay out of it back then. I didn't want to give his anxiety anymore ammo.
Just know - I sincerely did not feel I was giving him a pass with this piece. In fact, I worried it was a terrible and mean eulogy/ tribute. LOL. I know his sister will read this and I wanted to keep her in mind when I was writing. None of this was her responsibility.
I respect your lived experience, Joie, and am so sorry Matt was so awful to you. You did not deserve that. I have to give grace and move on though. It's the only way I can not carry him around. And that's not for everyone. So I get that we may differ on that. :)
I am here if you ever need to talk though. 917-903-1344. I hope all the women he hurt have some peace now and aren't afraid. Especially you. I hope you are having a beautiful life out there in Cali. xo
Thank you Kim, for this tender essay that is both specific to Matt Kelemen and calls us to be compassionate with all the Matt's whose orbits intersect with ours. The Venn diagram of late stage capitalism, mental health and social connections places us all closer to slippage than perhaps we are willing to acknowledge.
Matt wrote a profile on me for LV Mag in 2011 and I was delighted how it turned out with him including some idiosyncrasies that made me feel seen, but in our few later interactions he was unnervingly candid about his mental health struggles. Thank you for giving the background and the reminder that everyone is carrying a load we cannot see and to give them grace as best we can.