Deep, both of these. I can't write about what I'd like here, publicly, because some stories aren't mine to tell. Even telling my story could touch on another's, and, well, I can't. I did lose one of my two bestest friends in October, friend of fifty plus years, because she drank. She told me she was an alcoholic but I didn't believe her, and then she hid its effects from me, and from herself, telling me she couldn't seem to keep food down. By that time it was too late anyway, she might as well keep drinking - which she did, until the day she checked into a hospital. She was too malnourished by then, her organs gone, pneumonia then sepsis and then gone in two days. I wish she'd told me about the pancreatitis last January. I would have flown there, cooked with her (she was an excellent cook), poured water down her throat, held her until she slept. I knew she had health problems but I thought we had more time. I've cut back, further, my own consumption since her memorial.
It's a new year. We're gonna find the good. Hoisting a glass of water to you.
well, this got me teary. You know that its not your fault you didn't believe her, right? Thank you for sharing this. The drinking can rwally catch up to you and if you live inside alcoholic cultures - hospitality, bar, food, etc - often you are drinking less than the people around you. I think it's beautiful that you cut back. A tribute to her and something she couldn't do herself. xo
I feel like I was dense but at her memorial I found out I was one of the few she still talked with. Anyone who called her on it she cut off. She and I, we listened to each other, no judgment. I did not tell her how I thought she should live, through many bad decisions - though some good too, like her son, like the girl child she "adopted," in her heart, keeping her after kicking out the abusive dad. Her estate is split between them. I know I was there for her, that she knew the depth of my love for her as I know the depth of hers. People are complicated. I can't say I know better than another but I wish . . I stayed with my other bestest friend when I flew up (we've known each other fifty years this year). We cried, but laughed too. I'm pulling closer another old friend, who also knew the one who died, and that's a gift.
Thank you. You share much of who you are, how you are, and it's beautiful. I feel I'm finding another worth cherishing.
That is very sweet of you. Between the Joan Holloway comparison (Gen Xer child of older very cocktail party people) and the recognition of how the GABA/alc response quieted my ADHD brain (very late diagnosed), this is pretty much me. Not quite as much anymore simply because menopause and alcohol don't go well together, but it's a very familiar story. Thank you for writing it and being so clear about what it is.
My meno made it unbearable really, the adhd (which I suspected I had? because lots of reasons). Also, I realized how much social anxiety I had when I didn't drink for a while. two drink Julie was a very good time. I'm lucky that I rarely went into 3, 4, 5 drinks (though it did happen), but that moment you write about on the toilet at 3 am...yeah, I'd say no more, and then by 5? It seemed like a reasonable idea. Lots to tear into.
yes! I can’t tell you how long I’d do the 3am thing, make all the promises and then it would be like it didn’t even happen and I’d repeat. it took me a long time, years, to make the change.
Wow. So much of this resonates with me and countless others who go all-in with almost everything in life instead of feeling satisfied with moderation, and who seek release. I discovered your newsletter because I’m reading The Meth Lunches and I’m in awe of your reporting and first-person writing. Keep it up! And remember, the next morning of any night, you won’t regret abstaining; you’ll feel good and relieved. Hang on to that vision of feeling good the next morning.
I’d love to use some words to tell you how much I appreciate what you wrote here, but I’m afraid I’d just mess up what I want to say. So, just ... thank you. For all of it.
I see it as a train, daughter, that suckety-suck -suck. And not the little engine that could, but the tired old freight train that can NOT pull this load one god damn more minute. It's hard being everything everywhere all the time with that riff like white noise surrounding you. But you got this, we got this. Not easy, sometimes, hell, most fo the time, not fun, but damn doable. xoxo
Giving not only your family and friends but all of us the gift of so much of yourself is frightening amazing I have nowhere near your courage but thank you.
Although your struggle is not my struggle nevertheless it still adds hope
I hear you sister. Wrote personal history of the martini here where I always said I had 1 (hefty ) martini a night but I kept topping it off so it really was probably more like 5. Bad stretch of life, hard road as a woman, kids in their 'you can't make this stupid shit up.' gets you every time but you're writing fine about it so it'll be ok
Kim, you have given words to my cycle, my despair ish cycle. Thank you
Deep, both of these. I can't write about what I'd like here, publicly, because some stories aren't mine to tell. Even telling my story could touch on another's, and, well, I can't. I did lose one of my two bestest friends in October, friend of fifty plus years, because she drank. She told me she was an alcoholic but I didn't believe her, and then she hid its effects from me, and from herself, telling me she couldn't seem to keep food down. By that time it was too late anyway, she might as well keep drinking - which she did, until the day she checked into a hospital. She was too malnourished by then, her organs gone, pneumonia then sepsis and then gone in two days. I wish she'd told me about the pancreatitis last January. I would have flown there, cooked with her (she was an excellent cook), poured water down her throat, held her until she slept. I knew she had health problems but I thought we had more time. I've cut back, further, my own consumption since her memorial.
It's a new year. We're gonna find the good. Hoisting a glass of water to you.
well, this got me teary. You know that its not your fault you didn't believe her, right? Thank you for sharing this. The drinking can rwally catch up to you and if you live inside alcoholic cultures - hospitality, bar, food, etc - often you are drinking less than the people around you. I think it's beautiful that you cut back. A tribute to her and something she couldn't do herself. xo
I feel like I was dense but at her memorial I found out I was one of the few she still talked with. Anyone who called her on it she cut off. She and I, we listened to each other, no judgment. I did not tell her how I thought she should live, through many bad decisions - though some good too, like her son, like the girl child she "adopted," in her heart, keeping her after kicking out the abusive dad. Her estate is split between them. I know I was there for her, that she knew the depth of my love for her as I know the depth of hers. People are complicated. I can't say I know better than another but I wish . . I stayed with my other bestest friend when I flew up (we've known each other fifty years this year). We cried, but laughed too. I'm pulling closer another old friend, who also knew the one who died, and that's a gift.
Thank you. You share much of who you are, how you are, and it's beautiful. I feel I'm finding another worth cherishing.
Could be me. Written like you are in my head.
here if you need to talk anytime. xo
That is very sweet of you. Between the Joan Holloway comparison (Gen Xer child of older very cocktail party people) and the recognition of how the GABA/alc response quieted my ADHD brain (very late diagnosed), this is pretty much me. Not quite as much anymore simply because menopause and alcohol don't go well together, but it's a very familiar story. Thank you for writing it and being so clear about what it is.
it’s amazing the similarities! I really didn’t have adhd my whole life until menopause, and you are right alcohol and menopuase are….. Not good.
My meno made it unbearable really, the adhd (which I suspected I had? because lots of reasons). Also, I realized how much social anxiety I had when I didn't drink for a while. two drink Julie was a very good time. I'm lucky that I rarely went into 3, 4, 5 drinks (though it did happen), but that moment you write about on the toilet at 3 am...yeah, I'd say no more, and then by 5? It seemed like a reasonable idea. Lots to tear into.
yes! I can’t tell you how long I’d do the 3am thing, make all the promises and then it would be like it didn’t even happen and I’d repeat. it took me a long time, years, to make the change.
Wow. So much of this resonates with me and countless others who go all-in with almost everything in life instead of feeling satisfied with moderation, and who seek release. I discovered your newsletter because I’m reading The Meth Lunches and I’m in awe of your reporting and first-person writing. Keep it up! And remember, the next morning of any night, you won’t regret abstaining; you’ll feel good and relieved. Hang on to that vision of feeling good the next morning.
Amazingly moving piece
Oof, this hits me so hard. I feel this deeply. Thank you for writing - as always, but especially for this one.
Sis, love you!!! ❤️
I love the way you write. Thanks for this!
I’d love to use some words to tell you how much I appreciate what you wrote here, but I’m afraid I’d just mess up what I want to say. So, just ... thank you. For all of it.
I see it as a train, daughter, that suckety-suck -suck. And not the little engine that could, but the tired old freight train that can NOT pull this load one god damn more minute. It's hard being everything everywhere all the time with that riff like white noise surrounding you. But you got this, we got this. Not easy, sometimes, hell, most fo the time, not fun, but damn doable. xoxo
Giving not only your family and friends but all of us the gift of so much of yourself is frightening amazing I have nowhere near your courage but thank you.
Although your struggle is not my struggle nevertheless it still adds hope
Kim. Your writing is just so gloriously good. Thank you for always sharing everything. 💓
I hear you sister. Wrote personal history of the martini here where I always said I had 1 (hefty ) martini a night but I kept topping it off so it really was probably more like 5. Bad stretch of life, hard road as a woman, kids in their 'you can't make this stupid shit up.' gets you every time but you're writing fine about it so it'll be ok
Happy New Year Kim! I am proud of you. We are all works in progress❤️