A couple nights ago, David was traveling and I use those travel nights to watch something more tawdry and true crime-ish than our usual fare. Or a sport cooking show starring Gordon Ramsey. (Pick your fave). I turned on the Max documentary, The Curious Case of Natalia Grace, as nothing more than background. I was familiar with the case on a superficial level and the story seemed played out.
But I was wrong. It was the stuff of all the crazy. Subjects full-on ugly-crying, screaming at the camera, back-stabbing each other, shifting stories, covering up facts while leaving a hot mic on, making bio kids in the family lie and abuse the adopted child, I mean full on insanity. Watching this doc is watching people implode and crucify themselves on camera, which makes for ugly humanity but compelling enough TV.
The Gist
Natalia is a child with dwarfism, given up by her struggling mom (trauma #1) in Ukraine. Her mom was encouraged to give her up by the hospital doctor because of her child’s dwarfism and mom’s inability to meet those medical needs.
Natalia spent years in an orphanage in Ukraine. (traumas #2 -10).
She was adopted by a family in New Hampshire, who then couldn’t meet her complicated traumas and needs and like this would help, the couple parent-shopped at Little People conventions trying to pawn her off, while also asking for reimbursement for the money that spent on her while she was part of their family. So icky and gross. (trauma #11).
Then, after lots of potential adoptive parents dropped out because everything about the parents smelled fishy, Natalia was then adopted by the Barnetts (traumas #12-20) in a kind of coup by the shady adoption agency who gave them no real information about Natalia.
The placement went badly, of course. The Barnetts got through the honey moon period but started seeing behaviors in Natalia that concerned them, which were completely typical for a kid raised in institutional care. But they didn’t know that because they were unprepared and we’ll find out, also not well themselves.
The Barnetts were convinced Natalia was a sociopathic adult predator who was was duping them by posing as child when she was actually older. The Barnetts went to court and had her age changed to an older teen (trauma #21).
Since a judge aged her, the Barnetts were free to legally drop her off in an apartment when she turned her new age of 18, in another town an hour away to live by herself. (!!!!!) (trauma #22)
Natalia is this young person with dwarfism, who has never had to care for herself, and lives in a slummy apartment with no accomodations for her disability, and no education, teaching, support, even an adult presence around her. The Barnetts drop groceries every few weeks and on video interrogate her about where she gets a box of donuts they find in her cupboards. (traumas #23-25)
The neighbors find Natalia to be a pain in the ass. Their concern grows to avoidance as Natalia shows up at their apartments, takes advantage of any kindness by over-staying her welcome and raids their fridges when she is hungry. CPS can’t do anything because she has been aged to an adult. The neighbors find her “creepy".” They work with the management office to have her evicted. Nice. (trauma #26)
The Orphanage: Lived Trauma + Brain Damage
I’m sure Natalia’s behavior was uncomfortable for the neighbors. People with severe attachment disorders can have poor boundaries, they can struggle with deep empathy, reading signs in other people and they are often engaged in trying to sever the connection itself because they are used to being given away, abandoned. They know people will leave, they know nothing is permanent, so they can sometimes try to wrestle as much out of people as they can before they leave. It makes sense.
In fact lots of “behaviors” make sense when they are given context.
When people in the adoption community talk about behaviors, its code to decide how severally kids have been impacted by trauma. “I have a kid with behaviors” is code for a difficult kid. No behaviors means no problems. This is not entirely accurate but it’s how adoption workers get kids into homes with these empty observations.
In fact, behaviors are simply messages about how someone is feeling. To change the behaviors, you work through the codes to get to the real issues. Repetition and consistency can potentially re-wire damaged brains. Not easy. Sometimes not possible. But definitely the best bet for humans with trauma.
For kids who have severe attachment issues, connection can feel like pain. I’ve talked to parents whose kids reject all good things and it takes years to move them out of this. Many kids like this will do anything to avoid the vulnerability that comes with attaching and needing someone else, so they can be challenging to be around.
The orphanage, even a decent one, is a place where lots of hideous developmental brain changes come from. In Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best + Worst, (a book I am currently reading and have not finished because it is THICK) Neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky tells us that that kids in orphanages can experience “Decreased total brain size, gray matter, white matter, frontal cortisol metabolism, connectivity between regions, sizes of individual brain regions. Except for the amygdala. Which is enlarged. That pretty much says it all.”
Enlarged amygdalas are associated with lots of behavioral disorders, most notably emotional regulation, anxiety, depression and aggression. We would expect aggression and a stronger propensity toward outbursts from kids who have lived in institutional care.
It’s brain damage. They can’t control it.
They aren’t immoral. Or necessarily sociopathic. They are hurt.
The whole Natalia Grace documentary is a postcard to hopeful adoptive parents who need to know that before you jump in to “save a kid,” know that the kid has probably come up with some ways to save themselves and you will have to help them do and think about things differently. You will have to help them heal and love them and stay attached and connected, even in the most off-putting situations with seemingly bizarre behaviors designed to push you away. You will have to come to terms that your kid might have brain damage and might never be typical. That will require you to help them live their best lives and not give up on them because its not comfortable or easy.
Why? Because as I say a lot in online chat rooms - THIS IS THE JOB.
The Sins of Kids from Trauma
The Barnetts failed at the basics of the job. They use this documentary to accuse Natalia of all the sins that adopted kids either partake in or get accused of partaking in:
Stealing
This is a survival skill from early neglect or institutional care, also a way to sever attachment because people find it “immoral.” It’s also a boundary issue, or worrying about the amount of something that’s there and needing to “take it in,” particularly with food, so they have it because it might go away. It’s not stealing - this is the perspective of many adoptive parents and it requires a lens shift. I discuss what is and isn’t stealing in this essay.
Lying
Lying is a big coping strategy. In the adoption space, it’s about not knowing yourself or your surroundings well, and wanting to fit in. Lying is simply getting the story straight so no one gets rid of you again. In one video that the Barnett’s took, they are yelling at Natalia to tell them the truth about the homes she lived in. All I could think of watching it is: Why would she be honest? What have they done to deserve her honesty? Her mind was racing to find something that wouldn’t make her life harder. (As an adopted person my self, I know this one well, I was a people-pleaser and at some points in my childhood, I would’ve told you whatever I thought you wanted to hear. Only therapy cured that.)
Inappropriate urination and defecation
These are complex signs of trauma, abuse, emotional dysregulation, a need to control, or to get a reaction. This was probably not an issue with Natalia. At one point in the documentary, the Barnett’s oldest child admitted that his mom got him to urinate all over her bed as a kind of “punishment/therapy".”
Being “sneaky” or “manipulative”
Kids from severely unhealthy families or who been raised in institutions have to be what we might call "sneaky and manipulative to get their needs met. They can be very seductive in using their charms and charisma to get what they need or want. It makes all kinds of sense. This behavior is learned and can be re-learned.
Baiting siblings
The Barnett’s talk about Natalia’s inappropriate interactions with her siblings. This is also pretty typical of a kid with lots of trauma, and a reminder that there are challenges raising healthy and traumatized kids together. How can she be expected to know how to interact with siblings when she hasn’t had them before? Also, for kids who have been abandoned over and over, engaging in the give and take of relationships can be mentally exhausting and complex. For some of these kids, connections can be painful, and they can avoid them by throwing a bomb into something. It’s a puzzle, and your job is to figure it out, to get underneath the behaviors.
Food hoarding + “stealing”
The Barnetts locked up the family food so Natalia couldn’t take it freely. They said she was “always hungry, always wanting food,” and “conning people to get food.” Um, yes, early hunger impacts brain wiring and has GENERATIONAL implications. I’ve specifically written about adopted kids, particularly ones like Natalia who experienced hunger, and inconsistency around food, and now still struggle with issues around eating. Locking up food for kids is de-stabilizing and works against attachment and trust. It’s unconscionable. It’s abuse. Don’t do it.
Control
Kids who have been sent through the chaos wringer often look for some control. The Barnett’s accuse Natalia of trying to kill them, including an incident where Natalia supposedly tried to poison her adopted mom. They report her saying: “I’m going to kill you in your sleep” and hiding knives”under her bed. If there is truth to it, and really who knows, these kinds of acts are often about getting the parent’s attention. Often these kids come to homes with the hope of attracting any attention positive or negative, because it all feels the same. They can be impulsive and reactive as their brains are in fight or flight a lot. The key is establishing trust and consistent acceptance, even in the face of threats, across time.
Violence
The Barnetts accuse Natalia of hiding knives under her bed, standing by the bed and watching them sleep as if this is indication of a threat on their lives. But the violence actually came from the Barnett’s toward Natalia - it comes out that the siblings kicked Natalia down the stairs, and that the Barnett’s made her sleep outside on the the back porch in the elements when she didn’t tell them an answer to one of their questions. I’m sure this is tip of the iceberg shit.
The Media Gets It Wrong. Again.
The Barnetts are their own nightmare but the media has gotten this beyond wrong. How can so many smart people be so unaware of what millions of adopted people face?
The headline in the Guardian:“Six-year-old orphan or 'con artist' adult?
Another: “alleged six year old.”
In the NY Post: “Adopted girl accused of lying…”
The Independent: “Six-year-old saved by adoption or murderous adult imposter: Who is Natalia Grace?”
How about: “Dangerous adult or abused child?”
In the press, Natalia is either the madonna (orphan) or whore (imposter/con artist). There are no complex outtakes. She is either the villain or the hero.
But how does Natalia have any agency at all? Even if she lied about her age, even if she was confused, or she didn't know, or just chose an age and stuck to it, how can she be held accountable at all? These kinds of stories are so common for adopted people. Sometimes adopted kids spend their whole lives thinking one thing about their origin stories, their biology, the most basic pieces of information about themselves, their identities, and they find out it’s all hear say, speculation or just outright familial propaganda?
Why is Natalia the villain even if she is actually manipulative or lies or takes too much food or uses her charms to insinuate herself?
Who the fuck can blame her?
What Would We Do?
(Not that we are parenting experts, mind you. We are stumbling through it like everyone else)
When I was watching the documentary, I kept asking myself what would David and I do with a child who came into our home and we discovered she had public hair, a period and was supposed to be six? I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Here’s what I came up with:
Well, the First thing is: We wouldn’t actually blame the child, tween, teen, young adult, whatever she was. You can’t assume kids who have been tossed around like this have any sense of self, know who they are, have insight into the chaos, etc.
Even if we found out she was probably 9-12ish when we adopted her (like the Barnetts), we would’ve parented her. I mean, duh.
We would’ve had to have some long hard talks with ourselves, recognizing that whatever dream we had for the family would have to be shifted to a different dream. We would have to reckon with the fact that she had many more years of trauma than we even knew and that she was probably functioning well below her chronological age anyway, in terms of maturity, emotions, and executive functioning. The whole family would’ve had to shift, kids and all. But it would’ve been do-able.
I mean all of life is managing curve balls whipping at your face. This is just more of the the same.
Second: We know our own limitations enough as parents (we have a bunch) and we probably wouldn’t have skipped and jumped and sung Kumbaya all the way to the shady adoption agency in Florida where one family is dropping off Natalia at the back door, and another is waiting to pick her up at the front. Red flags everywhere. The Barnetts were impulsive and stupid and the agency, like so many, is corrupt.
Third: We wouldn't expect her to be “typical.” Both because of her physical limitations as well as her behaviors and potential brain damage from institutional care would need to be sorted out in various therapeutic environments and at home by steadily and consistently creating attachment and hanging in for all the two steps forward, one step back that is inevitable. The sorting this out is a lifelong marathon, not a sprint. We would expect that. The Barnetts should’ve as well. They went into this without preparation. Again, the agencies don’t care.
Fourth: Taking a kid from any institutional care requires research, knowledge of parenting through trauma, understanding attachment disorders, a team in place to support. We wouldn’t have adopted a child sight unseen with that background. The Barnetts were naive and stupid to assume they could take in a traumatized, disabled person as if she could just fit right in without much effort at all.
This sticks with me as one of the biggest problems in adoption across the board, the idea that loving kids is enough, that love will fix everything, all the while assuming because they look typical, they must be typical. And then giving up on kids when they don’t rise to the expectations of the adoptive parents. This is the reason so many adopted kids get thrown out of their homes and out into the street for exhibiting the same behaviors as Natalia. I wrote a bit about this in this newsletter. It is more common that you might think. It happens all the time.
The Barnetts punish instead of work through issues. They abandon instead of connect, they take the bait. I mean, if you had a kid who had never really formed a lasting attachment to caregivers maybe it would occur to you they might need to be taught a skill or two? That they needed nurturing.
Even the neighbors viewed Natalia as malignant and boundary-less. A threat. Manipulative. People didn’t want her around her. Why would they? She had no real lived experience making lasting connections with people. I’m sure all her relationships felt inherently transactional. Something that we experience a lot with our son, Raffi, he is always reminding me what I “owe him.” That comes from trauma. It can be unlearned - maybe. Over time. With patience. Lots and lots of consistent attachment practices.
Some Last Thoughts.
Why is it we are so bad at reading the complexities of people? Why must everyone be a hero or a villain? What if we saw people as complex beings who might be good and do bad or be bad and do good?
I think this when thinking about Natalia, but it gets harder when thinking about the Barnetts. How good can they be? What is their worth? Are they good people who got in over their heads? Why is it so hard to see them as good at all?
How quickly the Barnetts turned on each other when things got rough. It leaves you feeling sorry for their eldest son, an adult with autism living in his grandparents basement, who is so clearly upset by his parents actions, while still wanting to protect them, lie for them, and was forced to be complicit in the abuse of Natalia when he was himself a child.
It’s all a tragic mess.
By the time the credits role and the dad, Michael Barnett is showing the camera the various ways he can cry on command, harder, softer, and letting them know he will give them what they want in terms of performance, its more clear than ever that the truly fucked up ones are not Natalia Grace. I have to wonder what kind of brain damage the parents have?
Natalia has a new family now. I hope she found her home and her people, at last.
_____________________
END NOTES: Next week, all six of us are going to Costa Rica for two weeks. Yes, my house-catness and phobias are clanging and banging as usual. But I’m looking forward to family mayhem for awhile. It will be a challenge for my youngest kids who like routines and consistency, but we will all do our best.
I’m thinking I’ll want to write while I’m there, but I don’t know what will happen once we get there, internet access, writing time, my brain turning to mush, a fervent desire to do nothing? Or maybe I’ll be inspired and just inundate you with stories? Or photos? Or thoughtful essays! No idea.
So look for stuff from me this and next Thursday but if I lose myself, I hope you will forgive me.
I hope you are getting to do something fun for your family this summer.
As always thank you for reading. xo Kim
Holy crap, how did you watch that?
Thank you so much for this article. It put words to a lot of what we have experienced this summer caring for a relative's child.