Finally getting around to reading several of your essays, after surgery which happened three weeks ago tomorrow replacing one shoulder. I continue on my journey to full cyborg (or at least robot).
I think I've written this before, that I was first told I was fat when I was six? By my mom (my dad thought I was beautiful and perfect through his final day). My mom probably got the same when she was a child, from her father. I heard I was fat from my maternal relatives. Even as an adult fat was 5'8" and 130 pounds. Perfect was my sister, at 5'11" and about 125 pounds. I held onto that self image for too long, but by my late twenties I understood I'd never model, never be the one who first turned heads in a room. I saw that most of the men (not all!) I dated were interested in me, not how I looked on their arm. I never really wore make-up and I am fortunate to have hair that everybody wants, even now that it's a mix of grey and white.
I've gone through cancer. I lost a foot to a car. Cataract surgery. Now one shoulder is prosthetic (and I'm not gonna tell anyone yet the other shoulder is beginning to hurt; heal this one first). After becoming an amputee, I was free from assholes in life. Men who would have bugged me before saw that foot on a stick (aka the asshole filter) and turned away. I met my partner twenty-six years ago, and once he noticed I had only one foot his response was to offer to find me a chair. I like getting old. I like where I am. I'm living my best life, now.
I heard an interview with Cybill Shepherd long ago, where someone asked her about getting plastic surgery. She said she hoped she'd stay strong and not give into that, as her mother said changing your looks was like a book not getting to its end. All I am is visible in me, and I'm proud of how I look, of beating death three times (so far). I don't feel invisible, I feel I'm seen as I want to be.
I still don't recommend spot weight reduction - when that car hit me I'd been wanting to lose five more pounds, which is about how much a foot and ankle weigh.
God, I think about this ALL THE TIME. I was thin as a child and teen, gained some weight in college but lost it again. Was my thinnest ever on my wedding day 27 years ago. I've struggled mightily over the past 10 years and finally relented and tried GLP1 drugs after running it past a close friend who is an MD and allayed my fears that this was just another version of BS weight loss drugs of the past. I've lost 60 lbs in the past year and I feel and look so much better. People around me are super complimentary, and yet I feel conflicted. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I didn't hate my fat body. That there are a lot things I could be that are worse than fat (Like, an asshole for example. I'm a very nice person. Better fat and kind than a thin jerk, right? RIGHT?) I told myself that my kids loved me as I was because I am a loving mom, etc. So am I just a fair weather fatty? I am SO HAPPY to be wearing straight size clothing and not plus size; I feel cute.
In summary, I guess I am just as vain and shallow as everyone else.
Maria - I feel you! But give yourself some grace here. You feel good. You solved a problem that bugged you. We should recognize and sort out how we have accepted a lot of cultural BS and let it brainswash us, but at the end of the day, we have to be okay with doing the thing that makes us feel better! You did that. It isn’t going to change the love of family and friends, because that is there. We have to give each other permission to do that thing that liberates us, if we can. (My only beef with GLP-1s are that they are not available to everyone who needs them, making it a “rich” people’s solution, which is unfortunate)
Yes, I am fortunate that my health insurance is excellent and I qualified for coverage. I am hopeful that they will come down in price to become more available. The evils of the US health care model is a WHOLE OTHER kettle of fish and don't get me started on that!
I think men get judged for aging too. Not as much obvs, and I know this a bit petty of me, but I take some comfort in that. Like, ok maybe this is not just yet another pain I have to deal with that men don’t. Plus I can confide to my female and gay male friends my insecurities about aging.
it does impact them. I wanted to avoid that in this essay because it requires it’s own essay. They have their own “longevity bros” sphere, where longevity and fitness get tied into competition. I don’t know enough about it yet to write about it, but I will. From the outside it feels as toxic as beauty culture. LOL
When it comes to my age, I always lie up. I am 60 and I tell people that I am 70. They always say, "You look amazing!" If I said I was 45...get the picture? I've been doing this for years! In ,y 40's I told people I was 50. And FTR I have Botox, laser treatments, and fillers.
Tell me about the fillers, LeAnne because they scare me. But you look so beautiful. (Will message you back this weekend about the doc. Edie just got back from Germany and I’m behind)
I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel young in my head, say 30ish yet I’m 66. I do Botox so I don’t look sad, and resurfacing of my skin that makes me look very healthy, I love to move and eat healthy stuff so I’m relatively thin but not fashionably thin. My mantra “Do what makes you feel happy” Women should support each other regardless of their choices.
Beautiful piece. It all makes me think about that quote (I dunno who said it) about, “…looking back, if I could tell the woman in my twenties/thirties how thin and beautiful she was…” Ans then I try to psych myself into the future looking back at me now and say the same thing. We…are…enough.
I've been thinking a lot lately about similar issues. For me, I think I've realized - working on accepting - that there is no going back. That the anti-aging, get your body back after baby shit is partly a refusal to accept going forward. There is only forward and no point in going back. So maybe we need to accept what forward brings us, gives us, and what we can give to it.
I think there is some famous quote about this, but I can't seem to find it.
Life has become exponentially better as I have lived it. This has been the surprise of all surprises, given the amount of propaganda intended to induce anyone who dares to age into an early death to save wear and tear on loved ones and to escape the ministrations of the government.
I have been so surprised to become this happy. C.S. Lewis has written about being outdoors doing something or another and suddenly realizing the wonder of all things. Surprised by Joy, I believe it is called. And I believe that his wife's name was (surprise!) Joy.
Nothing in my external circumstances would suggest this grace would be visited upon me. Surely it is not earned and just as surely the betterment of my life is not external. Indeed, I have been single, double, and treble headed with crises over the past few years and these have been as heartbreaking as ever, and in fact, sometimes more so, as I want to lay claim to entitlement to be free of hardship and calamities, of my own or others' making. Of course this is entitled nonsense. I said life was better, not that I am better.
But I am better in some way. I am less attached in some ways (to activities, to achievements, to things) and more in other ways (to hopes, to plans, to those I love).
There is no surgeon, no filler, no prescription, no nothing that I can think of that could give me this lovely interlude. I intend to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Have I abandoned vanity? Absolutely not! I wish to present as well as I sense myself to be. I wish only that I had the style of many European women, who seem to be able to look stunning just heading out to the market in flats and a simple dress. This is not the case for me.
All these assays into the later years of life often surface with respect to how we appear. The important questions are interwoven therein. That is why this piece is significant. I hope that many women will read it.
I’m about to turn 61 in a few days and have just crawled out of a depressing 60th year. It was so strange, this milestone year. Things just hit hard and fast and all at once and I struggled tremendously: realizing I’m no longer a ‘looker’ and invisible in our culture but still really beautiful with a fit body and long grey hair; adult kids detaching more and more as they raise their littles and do life and my ‘mother’ role disappearing; more yesterdays than tomorrows; wondering how I’m going to retire and keep my home; wondering about my death age and if all my ducks are in a row for my survivors; a narcissistic boss (who just got fired thanks be to go) and who really messed with me; and the state of the world and the darkness—to name a few.
Thankfully I’m regrouping for some weird reason, a shifting back to reality and quiet contemplation, and all the topics in your piece make so much sense. Humanity Heartaches I call them. What I’m focusing on moving into my 61st year is more purposeful, simple everything. Learning to be still (the famous Eagles song I live so much). Saying no to a ton. This practice really allows so much to surface. So much clarity that maybe earned wisdom is assisting with.
Today is Mother’s Day. I lied to my kids (all new parents and with MILs) that I’m out of town on a hiking adventure. Because I don’t want them to have to juggle houses and visits, and honestly I just wanted a quiet day to love myself in ways that matter to me. No obligatory trinket gifts, loud day of visits and entertaining, and then cleaning up my old house when everyone goes home.
Thank you for writing this Kim - love that you jumped straight onto this topic to unpack it all further after last week's post. This is timely for me as I process feelings of grief about having gone into a very premature menopause, so I can deeply relate to what you shared here about no longer recognising your body. It's lead me down a rabbit hole of researching what menopause means in different cultures - in so many other countries or within tribes, women are hugely revered and celebrated when they enter this phase as the 'wisdom keepers', in Japan the word for menopause translates to 'renewal and energy', and in many places it's not even considered an issue at all. So why are we so age obsessed/youth-clutching in the West!? I'm really having to look at why I'm feeling these feelings of grief and loss and why I'm having trouble letting go of my younger self, and also occasionally catching myself judging women who have had procedures, just as we exchanged comments on last week. It's so important to become curious and open about it all, watch our judgements or lenses, and ultimately also know it's not our fault and we are all doing our best - that feels like a relief. Thank you for also being so open about your struggles with skin picking - I have struggled with this too since I was a child and I think it's a lot more common than people realise - thank you for speaking in to it here.
I think the skin picking really connects similarly to anti-fat bias because it is a physical manifestation of something that is not attractive in our culture. It connotes “a problem” I have always hid my hands and effected body parts and there was always a lot of shame around it. Something is wrong with me and its just out there for everyone to see. To judge. And then I went through this period where I would hifde my nails with expensive acrylics, even when I struggled to afford it, because hiding the source of our shame is so important in our culture. I wouldve tried any drug to make it go away and it was such a huge bummer that the mounjaro didnt solve it. LOL.
So interesting and all of these things run so deep don't they. Thank you for your vulnerability and shining so much light on this Kim because I'd never really connected my issue with my narrative which has also always been 'something is wrong with me/broken within me'. It's interesting how the mind can become so powerful it can start doing things to the body and then become something we have to hide or manage. I had never heard of mounjaro before and had to look it up.
Wonderful article. I've struggled with my weight all of my life. I even had gastric bypass surgery. When I was thin, I was treated much better than when I'm fat. Now that I'm old with white hair and too many pounds, I'm invisible. Inside I'm as young, smart, and creative as I've ever been. If I were a man that would be acknowledged. As a woman, it's not.
You know, anti-fat bias is really pounded into us from an ealry age. Someone rightly pointed it out in my essay. I think it’s one of those things we all have to work through and also call it out and talk about it when it comes up. I think I should write about invisibility because this feels like such a strong current for us women as we get older.
I’m starting a new job next week. I’m physically and mentally more than capable to perform the tasks. But here I am two days before I start stressed that they will take one look at my chubby grey haired self and write me off immediately.
I am not sure if it’s an imagined or real fear but either way it is ingrained in me to think ‘lesser’ of me and those who look like me.
Kaz, this feels like a natural thing, right? You are feeling some anxiety about the unknown and this is normal. It helps drive us to be prepared, etc. But I want you to remember something my friend told me just a couple weeks ago - if you are there, you belong there.
Just remeber that because it is powerful. You belong there. Good luck! will be thinking about you and would love to hear how it goes….
I don’t wear makeup: I do get hair-color. I don’t eat junk food because it tastes awful. I have a sweet tooth which I indulge periodically. I wouldn’t consider surgery, Botox, etc but I love my Pilates class. I drink a little but not a lot.
I’ve decided what works for me. I’m fine with how I look. I’m happy.
I love your texts, thank you so much for this one
I just read the poem “Weathering” by Fleur Adcock. ….happy is how I look and that’s all. ❤️
Finally getting around to reading several of your essays, after surgery which happened three weeks ago tomorrow replacing one shoulder. I continue on my journey to full cyborg (or at least robot).
I think I've written this before, that I was first told I was fat when I was six? By my mom (my dad thought I was beautiful and perfect through his final day). My mom probably got the same when she was a child, from her father. I heard I was fat from my maternal relatives. Even as an adult fat was 5'8" and 130 pounds. Perfect was my sister, at 5'11" and about 125 pounds. I held onto that self image for too long, but by my late twenties I understood I'd never model, never be the one who first turned heads in a room. I saw that most of the men (not all!) I dated were interested in me, not how I looked on their arm. I never really wore make-up and I am fortunate to have hair that everybody wants, even now that it's a mix of grey and white.
I've gone through cancer. I lost a foot to a car. Cataract surgery. Now one shoulder is prosthetic (and I'm not gonna tell anyone yet the other shoulder is beginning to hurt; heal this one first). After becoming an amputee, I was free from assholes in life. Men who would have bugged me before saw that foot on a stick (aka the asshole filter) and turned away. I met my partner twenty-six years ago, and once he noticed I had only one foot his response was to offer to find me a chair. I like getting old. I like where I am. I'm living my best life, now.
I heard an interview with Cybill Shepherd long ago, where someone asked her about getting plastic surgery. She said she hoped she'd stay strong and not give into that, as her mother said changing your looks was like a book not getting to its end. All I am is visible in me, and I'm proud of how I look, of beating death three times (so far). I don't feel invisible, I feel I'm seen as I want to be.
I still don't recommend spot weight reduction - when that car hit me I'd been wanting to lose five more pounds, which is about how much a foot and ankle weigh.
God, I think about this ALL THE TIME. I was thin as a child and teen, gained some weight in college but lost it again. Was my thinnest ever on my wedding day 27 years ago. I've struggled mightily over the past 10 years and finally relented and tried GLP1 drugs after running it past a close friend who is an MD and allayed my fears that this was just another version of BS weight loss drugs of the past. I've lost 60 lbs in the past year and I feel and look so much better. People around me are super complimentary, and yet I feel conflicted. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I didn't hate my fat body. That there are a lot things I could be that are worse than fat (Like, an asshole for example. I'm a very nice person. Better fat and kind than a thin jerk, right? RIGHT?) I told myself that my kids loved me as I was because I am a loving mom, etc. So am I just a fair weather fatty? I am SO HAPPY to be wearing straight size clothing and not plus size; I feel cute.
In summary, I guess I am just as vain and shallow as everyone else.
No, like Kim said, you solved a problem: a mental one.
Maria - I feel you! But give yourself some grace here. You feel good. You solved a problem that bugged you. We should recognize and sort out how we have accepted a lot of cultural BS and let it brainswash us, but at the end of the day, we have to be okay with doing the thing that makes us feel better! You did that. It isn’t going to change the love of family and friends, because that is there. We have to give each other permission to do that thing that liberates us, if we can. (My only beef with GLP-1s are that they are not available to everyone who needs them, making it a “rich” people’s solution, which is unfortunate)
Yes, I am fortunate that my health insurance is excellent and I qualified for coverage. I am hopeful that they will come down in price to become more available. The evils of the US health care model is a WHOLE OTHER kettle of fish and don't get me started on that!
I think men get judged for aging too. Not as much obvs, and I know this a bit petty of me, but I take some comfort in that. Like, ok maybe this is not just yet another pain I have to deal with that men don’t. Plus I can confide to my female and gay male friends my insecurities about aging.
it does impact them. I wanted to avoid that in this essay because it requires it’s own essay. They have their own “longevity bros” sphere, where longevity and fitness get tied into competition. I don’t know enough about it yet to write about it, but I will. From the outside it feels as toxic as beauty culture. LOL
Yes, maybe even more so!
When it comes to my age, I always lie up. I am 60 and I tell people that I am 70. They always say, "You look amazing!" If I said I was 45...get the picture? I've been doing this for years! In ,y 40's I told people I was 50. And FTR I have Botox, laser treatments, and fillers.
Tell me about the fillers, LeAnne because they scare me. But you look so beautiful. (Will message you back this weekend about the doc. Edie just got back from Germany and I’m behind)
I'll fill you in on the fillers (see what I did there?) when we chat! Welcome home Edie!
I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel young in my head, say 30ish yet I’m 66. I do Botox so I don’t look sad, and resurfacing of my skin that makes me look very healthy, I love to move and eat healthy stuff so I’m relatively thin but not fashionably thin. My mantra “Do what makes you feel happy” Women should support each other regardless of their choices.
Beautiful piece. It all makes me think about that quote (I dunno who said it) about, “…looking back, if I could tell the woman in my twenties/thirties how thin and beautiful she was…” Ans then I try to psych myself into the future looking back at me now and say the same thing. We…are…enough.
I've been thinking a lot lately about similar issues. For me, I think I've realized - working on accepting - that there is no going back. That the anti-aging, get your body back after baby shit is partly a refusal to accept going forward. There is only forward and no point in going back. So maybe we need to accept what forward brings us, gives us, and what we can give to it.
I think there is some famous quote about this, but I can't seem to find it.
Life has become exponentially better as I have lived it. This has been the surprise of all surprises, given the amount of propaganda intended to induce anyone who dares to age into an early death to save wear and tear on loved ones and to escape the ministrations of the government.
I have been so surprised to become this happy. C.S. Lewis has written about being outdoors doing something or another and suddenly realizing the wonder of all things. Surprised by Joy, I believe it is called. And I believe that his wife's name was (surprise!) Joy.
Nothing in my external circumstances would suggest this grace would be visited upon me. Surely it is not earned and just as surely the betterment of my life is not external. Indeed, I have been single, double, and treble headed with crises over the past few years and these have been as heartbreaking as ever, and in fact, sometimes more so, as I want to lay claim to entitlement to be free of hardship and calamities, of my own or others' making. Of course this is entitled nonsense. I said life was better, not that I am better.
But I am better in some way. I am less attached in some ways (to activities, to achievements, to things) and more in other ways (to hopes, to plans, to those I love).
There is no surgeon, no filler, no prescription, no nothing that I can think of that could give me this lovely interlude. I intend to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Have I abandoned vanity? Absolutely not! I wish to present as well as I sense myself to be. I wish only that I had the style of many European women, who seem to be able to look stunning just heading out to the market in flats and a simple dress. This is not the case for me.
All these assays into the later years of life often surface with respect to how we appear. The important questions are interwoven therein. That is why this piece is significant. I hope that many women will read it.
I’m about to turn 61 in a few days and have just crawled out of a depressing 60th year. It was so strange, this milestone year. Things just hit hard and fast and all at once and I struggled tremendously: realizing I’m no longer a ‘looker’ and invisible in our culture but still really beautiful with a fit body and long grey hair; adult kids detaching more and more as they raise their littles and do life and my ‘mother’ role disappearing; more yesterdays than tomorrows; wondering how I’m going to retire and keep my home; wondering about my death age and if all my ducks are in a row for my survivors; a narcissistic boss (who just got fired thanks be to go) and who really messed with me; and the state of the world and the darkness—to name a few.
Thankfully I’m regrouping for some weird reason, a shifting back to reality and quiet contemplation, and all the topics in your piece make so much sense. Humanity Heartaches I call them. What I’m focusing on moving into my 61st year is more purposeful, simple everything. Learning to be still (the famous Eagles song I live so much). Saying no to a ton. This practice really allows so much to surface. So much clarity that maybe earned wisdom is assisting with.
Today is Mother’s Day. I lied to my kids (all new parents and with MILs) that I’m out of town on a hiking adventure. Because I don’t want them to have to juggle houses and visits, and honestly I just wanted a quiet day to love myself in ways that matter to me. No obligatory trinket gifts, loud day of visits and entertaining, and then cleaning up my old house when everyone goes home.
..."thanks be to go"...serendipitous and wonderful. I plan to use it. Had one of those persons in my life recently and extend empathy to you.
You sound as if you are at a great point in your journey. Fair play to you, and happy mother's day.
Thank you for writing this Kim - love that you jumped straight onto this topic to unpack it all further after last week's post. This is timely for me as I process feelings of grief about having gone into a very premature menopause, so I can deeply relate to what you shared here about no longer recognising your body. It's lead me down a rabbit hole of researching what menopause means in different cultures - in so many other countries or within tribes, women are hugely revered and celebrated when they enter this phase as the 'wisdom keepers', in Japan the word for menopause translates to 'renewal and energy', and in many places it's not even considered an issue at all. So why are we so age obsessed/youth-clutching in the West!? I'm really having to look at why I'm feeling these feelings of grief and loss and why I'm having trouble letting go of my younger self, and also occasionally catching myself judging women who have had procedures, just as we exchanged comments on last week. It's so important to become curious and open about it all, watch our judgements or lenses, and ultimately also know it's not our fault and we are all doing our best - that feels like a relief. Thank you for also being so open about your struggles with skin picking - I have struggled with this too since I was a child and I think it's a lot more common than people realise - thank you for speaking in to it here.
I think the skin picking really connects similarly to anti-fat bias because it is a physical manifestation of something that is not attractive in our culture. It connotes “a problem” I have always hid my hands and effected body parts and there was always a lot of shame around it. Something is wrong with me and its just out there for everyone to see. To judge. And then I went through this period where I would hifde my nails with expensive acrylics, even when I struggled to afford it, because hiding the source of our shame is so important in our culture. I wouldve tried any drug to make it go away and it was such a huge bummer that the mounjaro didnt solve it. LOL.
So interesting and all of these things run so deep don't they. Thank you for your vulnerability and shining so much light on this Kim because I'd never really connected my issue with my narrative which has also always been 'something is wrong with me/broken within me'. It's interesting how the mind can become so powerful it can start doing things to the body and then become something we have to hide or manage. I had never heard of mounjaro before and had to look it up.
Wonderful article. I've struggled with my weight all of my life. I even had gastric bypass surgery. When I was thin, I was treated much better than when I'm fat. Now that I'm old with white hair and too many pounds, I'm invisible. Inside I'm as young, smart, and creative as I've ever been. If I were a man that would be acknowledged. As a woman, it's not.
You know, anti-fat bias is really pounded into us from an ealry age. Someone rightly pointed it out in my essay. I think it’s one of those things we all have to work through and also call it out and talk about it when it comes up. I think I should write about invisibility because this feels like such a strong current for us women as we get older.
Needed this. Doing the best I can along with you….
This is ALL we can do!
I’m starting a new job next week. I’m physically and mentally more than capable to perform the tasks. But here I am two days before I start stressed that they will take one look at my chubby grey haired self and write me off immediately.
I am not sure if it’s an imagined or real fear but either way it is ingrained in me to think ‘lesser’ of me and those who look like me.
Kaz, this feels like a natural thing, right? You are feeling some anxiety about the unknown and this is normal. It helps drive us to be prepared, etc. But I want you to remember something my friend told me just a couple weeks ago - if you are there, you belong there.
Just remeber that because it is powerful. You belong there. Good luck! will be thinking about you and would love to hear how it goes….
I don’t wear makeup: I do get hair-color. I don’t eat junk food because it tastes awful. I have a sweet tooth which I indulge periodically. I wouldn’t consider surgery, Botox, etc but I love my Pilates class. I drink a little but not a lot.
I’ve decided what works for me. I’m fine with how I look. I’m happy.
Love thisl I think as long as we are thoughtful, it’s cool to land where we land, making the best decisions we can for ourselves. Beautful.