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On the Hardcore Death Slide of my Brain Function

Something hasn’t been quite right lately.

My brain has been off. I have credited this to possibly three things:

1. Menopause

2. Taking edibles to sleep

3. The Tik Tok/Reels Industrial Complex

Let’s examine each of them:

Menopause

I am dealing with menopause brain issues with my doctor.

I am on hormone replacement therapy and anti-anxiety drugs (lexapro). I have a light Xanax prescription for when I am doing a public speaking event (see below in END NOTES). But I don’t take it under usual circumstances because I worry about dependency, since my brain is geared that way naturally. I just got a script for Vyvanse to take when I really need to focus. We’ll see if that helps. I worry about ADHD meds making me anxious but my doc swears by this one.

Great. That’s about all I can do for menopause.

In some ways, I really like what menopause has done to my brain. I can forget words and people’s names. Okay, let’s be real: my own kid’s names. And I can write something and forget what or how I wrote it, and so when I reread it, it reads fresh. This can come in handy, actually. I also have a much more textured and deeply-rich thought pattern now. I think more empathically and broadly, delving intricately into questions and thinking about things with much more complexity. But I can forget an appointment or an invite in a matter of minutes and never think of it again, so I also have to write everything down. Everything. Including creating alarms for myself.

I also have had to farm out certain tasks, like forms to be filled out, and financial invoices to a virtual assistant because some days, I can barely focus on them. It’s clear to me I have some kind of late onset ADHD, and if you have lived with this your whole life, my respect for you is immense. ADHD is, for me, a productivity killer, like running uphill through a cascading waterfall.

My mom died in 2020. I am STILL working through the estate paperwork.

It should’ve taken me six months.

Menopause + Lack of Sleep = Edibles

I started taking edibles to sleep after I quit all drinking at home (I still will have a drink now and again on date nights), which coincided with the onset of official menopause (a year of no periods).

I was thinking today at one of Desi’s appointments about how amazing it is to not to bleed every month (although I am grateful to have birthed two babies because of the bleeding) I was reminded of this because I was at Desi’s Behavioral Opthomology appointment and they have all these tampons and pads on offer in the bathroom. I sighed happily knowing I am no longer spending time and energy preparing for the bleeding, having full-on emotional craziness and nervous system break down, because of the bleeding, thinking about buying products for the bleeding, finding money for products for the bleeding, or remembering to bring things with me in case I bleed, or what color pants I’m wearing in case I bleed through or worse, wearing a sweater wrapped around my waist to keep everyone from noticing my white overalls, stained red in the crotch. A 9th grade memory from hell.

Don’t even get me started on not having to worry about pregnancies and abortions in this climate of reproductive policing.

I started taking edibles because they are legal here in Nevada and there is a pot dispensary on every block. I get it delivered to my front door, like it’s marijuana Door Dash. I was having sleep issues - unable to fall asleep and stay asleep past 3. I’d be rummaging through the fridge at 4am. My brain might have become more elastic and more forgetful around this time and I’ve been wondering if the brain changes were connected to the edibles and not as much about the menopause at all.

There has been some research on this, mostly on teens (marijuana does seem to impact the adoscent brain negatively since it is still growing) but the bits of research on people middle age and up presents little concern with cognitive functioning.

I need to do more research, but for the time being, I need sleep and pot is helping me go to sleep and stay asleep all night, so for right now, edibles are a keeper. I really hope they are not the culprit. LOL.

Menopause + Edibles + Book Anxiety =

Tik Tok/Reels/ Mindless Scrolling/ Time-Killing Brain Fuckery

Not to wax nostalgic about the good old days (I hate when people do that) but one of the things that made social media so cool was the ways it allowed us to connect.

Some of my dearest friends around the world came to me through old Twitter. It was a marvel, a stroke of genius, that for someone like me who could never really make inroads into networking at parties or infiltrate the literary and media scenes in NYC, or get myself invited to cool events when I was raising babies, could have meaningful interactions with some of the most thoughtful and leading voices in industries that interested me.

And during the pandemic, it was Facebook that allowed me to connect with people in the community in need of food, so they could access the pantry and fridge at our house for their families. Social media is at its best when it supports whatever community is forming IRL.

But of course change is gonna happen. But still my Instagram for the longest time was filled with squares of people I knew online and IRL and there was a connection with people. I watched people’s kids grow up and get married, and watched parents with disabled kids share information to better support their families. People fell in love. Some people taught me about gender fluidity, or how they manage illness or the importance of Native or Black political issues or what the perils and pitfalls of living in a certain area or doing a particular job. People divorced. Some of my friends got sick and died. And the internet allowed everyone to be there, supporting, crying, sharing memories.

It wasn’t perfect. But it was a way to be connected, a way to enhance your life by expanding it into the bigger world.

But lately I’ve sensed another change - My feeds are dominated with video.

Of course, this has been coming for awhile and it’s no surprise. But it’s jarring. My feeds are chock full of people who are performing their lives for the camera, or being caught living their lives (celebrities), or there are snippets of monologues and comedy, or ASMR-like videos that soothe anxiety, or more celebrities, or people who decided to live the simple life on a farm, but you know their lives are not simple or inexpensive and it’s all a production, a fascinating fiction.

During the book launch, I was overcome with anxiety and these feeds really helped me settle. I could let some of the anxiety go, in the evening, and just melt into a kind of haze of images that soothed and comforted me, sent my brain off onto tangents that had nothing to do with my book or me. It was a useful balm.

But now, as I do research for my next book, I find I struggle to read for long periods. I am pulled to check the feeds, and have to stop myself from scrolling. I want short bursts of dopamine intensity, things that are exciting, dramatic, the next argument, the next controversy, the next funny comedian, a lamb being born and adorable farm kids caring for it in a barn, the weird comfort of watching a cow having her hooves trimmed.

My brain wants me to scroll, to dip and fall into the abyss.

Example from yesterday: Why is everyone talking about, caring, obsessing over Alicia Keys and how she wobbled a note at the Super Bowl? Who the fuck cares? She’s a fucking pro who has more than proven her talent. Do we have to debate every little fucking note with the focus of a graduate philosophy class? Why should we care that the video uploaded to the web of the show has the note fixed and this has caused outrage, as if history itself is being scrubbed? Who cares? Let her live, Jesus.

I’m a consumptive mess.

I can tell that I am less nimble in my thinking.

Research is telling us that short videos - which are a kind of whittled down, 21-34 second money shot - create problems with short term memory and the ability to concentrate. One paper noted that big Tik Tok users and makers often struggle to watch longer videos, TV programs and movies. I’ve noticed lately I have no desire to wait for set up and if the video doesn’t get to it, I swipe.

I am becoming less tolerant of slow pacing. And so reading, the foundation of what I do for a living and the thing that feeds directly into the writing, is now more challenging.

Where before, people I chose were in my feed, now they just arrive. I feel like I’m no longer making the choices and most of the choices being made for me are lovely or on point in some way (although sometimes hilariously not), but it creates a kind of “endless scroll” that binds us to the device. A kind of passive consumption that is making me a little crazy. I feel passive and like something is being done to me. I struggle to binge watch TV or sit through a movie without scrolling while I watch.

I may not be able to do much about menopause, getting older, or my need for excellent sleep, but this is something I can shift. Sometimes videos can be life changing, I mean, would we really know what’s happening in Gaza without the stunning video transmissions? Or the injustices that would be pushed under the rug had they not been caught on camera and disseminated to the world?

We have all learned a thing or two from scrolling.

But it’s not enough. I know that I need to be on social media for my writing and book promotions. (Do I though? I say that. But do I?) I love love love Substack for writing. Not exactly social media, really. And I know I need to continue to emphasize long form reading in my life, books and essays.

But the rest is now up for grabs. I am rethinking my whole approach to social media, particularly as we get closer to what will be the fight of our lives for the Republic this year and the way I want to partake in that. (Also, if Trump does win, (Lord, no) I worry about the constant brutal news onslaught that awaits us again, the wear and tear on our psyches, the undiluted fear, the constant reasons to feel rage and injustice, although this may be the least of our worries with democracy at stake and all).

So, what are your thoughts? Things that work for you, things that don’t? I’d love to hear them. What creates real value for you? How do you care for your brain? How is your scrolling?

Social media apps are not the only one who can change. Time for me to make some changes, too.

__________________

END NOTES:

I had an amazing time telling stories in Kayenta/ Santa Clara, Utah. Let me tell you authors, people in Utah show up for an event.

The event pays speakers well and provides a local airbnb or hotel for two nights. And you’ll want to do that because the area, high desert, is so gorgeous. The event organizer, Victoria, is so on it and the event was classy, streamlined, included music, lovely wine, and an excellent and engaging MC. The book Bungalow, helmed by Tanya, sold my books and were so lovely we are organizing another event in April. About 150-200 people came and I had a blast.

If Coyote Tales calls you to tell a story, go.

They have been asking me for years and I am grateful for that, but I wasn’t ready to tell a story without notes, Moth-style. I did it this time to stretch myself and I am sure glad I did. I did have beats written out on my arm in marker but that was mostly in case my brain fell apart and I went blank (I didn’t). LOL.

Here’s to stretching ourselves!