You’ve nailed it. Yes, kids need boundaries to know they are loved. But they also need love, acceptance and guidance at every stage they are at. Thanks for the book recommendation. I’m not a foster carer, not a parent, not an adoptive parent - I’m an adult who was traumatised at a young age and then neglected. I was misunderstood and judged all my life.
My mum told me - “I love you but I don’t like what you stand for”. It hurt. Because I didn’t like the love she had for me - it was cruel. But I got it. She loved my father who was violent, emotionally abusive and pushed her to the brink countless times. She loved him unconditionally even though she ran from him. She always loved him - 31 years on from his death he was her only love. She had a warped sense of love. She saw more of him than herself in me I guess. She baited me, mocked me and loved seeing me unstable, uncertain and in tears without self confidence - then she could feel in control. She never took care of the basics for me- food, washing clothes, providing much more than the basics. Yet I loved her. It was very unhealthy. I could do whatever I wanted. She just ignored it. Thus I learned -boundaries, basics and interest -all of these could have undone the trauma she inflicted. I received none of those. I still struggle to give these to myself.
Wow, I got teary reading this. The impact that people’s own dysfunction has on their parenting and the way it continues to plunder their children throughout their lives is so real. I am sorry this happened and I am sorry no one stood up for you. Question: Can I send you my book? (no charge) There is a story in it about a child who went through something similar and it might be good for you to read it. If you DM me your address, I’ll send you a book. Thank you for writing this. We see you and are glad you are here.
I just sent this to one of my clients as she is caretaking a child with RAD and it is an incredibly tense and heartbreaking situation. There are no winners
Excellent article Kim! The system and society as a whole are failing RAD children on a mass scale. These kids never get the opportunity to heal their trauma and then reach adulthood where society can write them off with the self-righteous satisfaction that they are just defective and evil. I believe the “hell loop” term could just as easily be applied to the sad cycle that shuttles them through ill equipped system without ever meeting their needs and pushes them into adulthood where they can easily be discarded as lost causes.
Interesting. My last year teaching, I had a RAD student. Long story but it was not a good experience. Student had been adopted into totally dysfunctional family.
There is nothing so lonely as raising children who make you the enemy. The state works hard to sell you on fostering and even harder on adoption, since it reduces their workload. Then once you've got the kids, you become a potential perpetrator that needs to be watched. Good-hearted neighbors and friends hear the kids' sob stories and try to give them the love the kids say is missing at home. In the end, my adopted kids are doing well and I'm proud of them and my marriage survived, but I never recommend adopting to others.
Love this! Recently completed a Trauma-Informed Leadership course where we read and reveiwed Dr. Bruce Perry’s ‘The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog’. He talks about his ‘bottom-up’ theory for rewiring the brains of young children who experienced trauma in their developmental years. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I don’t know what led me to read this but I’m glad I did. I was one of ‘those’ children. Three serious head injuries by age 12 didn’t help. There’s a lot of attachment disorder in varying degrees due to western culture, medicalized childbirth and divorce. It’s not ok to give up on a child. I’m inspired by the author’s own story. And I think you’re doing Gods work advocating and educating on this topic
"The cycle of tension, rage and outbreaks of violence permeated all the years of my early childhood. I was adept at hiding and hoping to disappear. My mother was unpredictable and her rage was to be avoided, even by my dad. At times he seemed as afraid of her as we were. My father was the quiet one with more patience and displays of affection. He was the "good guy" to me, but we had to be careful..."
Thank you for this! Your post was both poignant and inciteful! There is not enough information made public on this topic and I thank you for showing both sides of the coin!
Thank you. I read the entire article with an almost baited breath. Had I not worked in a Romanian orphanage I may not have got such goosebumps reading this. Kids were returned after failed placements because they were “broken” or “not right”. Reading your words I see their faces again. Children need all the advocates we can find and having your voice here, so eloquent and to the point is invaluable. Even though I managed to write this comment, in a way I am lost for words at your realism, compassion and insight.
I have a 24-year-old son we adopted at birth. I was also an adoption attorney for a couple of years. Now, all these years later, I realize how even adoption at birth presents trauma issues and potential behavior problems. I tried to ignore that for years.
The advice you give about learning how to live your child again is not only appropriate for a parent of a child with RAD, but it’s also basically the advice I give parents of any “out of control” teen. Connection is the key.
I also incorporate collaborative problem solving into my parenting program and teach that the teen brain “would do better if they could do better”!
I found that mental health professionals know nothing about adoption and its impact on the child or parents so I can’t imagine many know how to help parents navigate RAD. It’s so sad. And it makes me think back to over 20 years ago when I placed a 4-year-old with a family who just felt that love would get them through it (didn’t even plan on counseling). At the time I was still practicing law and equally clueless but KNEW that would be a disaster. Why can’t we just accept that no, “love does not conquer all” and that knowledge and skill certainly does help?
As a parent with trauma and parenting three kids with trauma, I have one who has extremely disruptive behaviors. He was a different kid during winter break and I loved this side of him and wanted him to thrive so I unenrolled my youngest two.
Having him home has been some of the most transformative shadow work I have personally done to date.
The advice about leaning into the confronting and challenging behaviors has shifted my perspective, and I feel that our lives have just slowed down significantly.
Sara - This is amazing! I love reading this so much. I feel like we just have to keep trying new things, and seeing what works and what calms their nervous systems. I am So happy this happened for your family. I love that you called it "transformative shadow work" that is so good.
One day I was at my end, you know that level of frustration when reality breaks?
I sat there in my chair for a long time after I put my kids to bed and I pondered why my middle child was such a challenge..I had the thought that he presents everything unhealed or unconfronted in me. It was really myself I was frustrated with.
I’m working through grief now because I now feel what I didn’t get growing up.
That brings me full circle to grace, and we all need that.
Maybe. There are certainly folks who adopt for all the wrong reasons, are under-prepared and do a great deal of damage. But there are also people who go in with all the right intentions are just not given the right education and support to manage it. No one can provide them with proper guidance. As I said in the piece, many disabilities like autism can be tough on families, but this is different, it's more how do we love kids whose whole nervous system wants to keep us from loving them and they will do anything and everything to push us away?" There is absolutely a place for anger. I mean, Natalia's many adoptive families were ridiculously bad. But we have to talk about this openly and also help people who are experiencing "blocked care" for the sake of the kids. Thanks for commenting!
You’ve nailed it. Yes, kids need boundaries to know they are loved. But they also need love, acceptance and guidance at every stage they are at. Thanks for the book recommendation. I’m not a foster carer, not a parent, not an adoptive parent - I’m an adult who was traumatised at a young age and then neglected. I was misunderstood and judged all my life.
My mum told me - “I love you but I don’t like what you stand for”. It hurt. Because I didn’t like the love she had for me - it was cruel. But I got it. She loved my father who was violent, emotionally abusive and pushed her to the brink countless times. She loved him unconditionally even though she ran from him. She always loved him - 31 years on from his death he was her only love. She had a warped sense of love. She saw more of him than herself in me I guess. She baited me, mocked me and loved seeing me unstable, uncertain and in tears without self confidence - then she could feel in control. She never took care of the basics for me- food, washing clothes, providing much more than the basics. Yet I loved her. It was very unhealthy. I could do whatever I wanted. She just ignored it. Thus I learned -boundaries, basics and interest -all of these could have undone the trauma she inflicted. I received none of those. I still struggle to give these to myself.
I’m 50 years old.
Wow, I got teary reading this. The impact that people’s own dysfunction has on their parenting and the way it continues to plunder their children throughout their lives is so real. I am sorry this happened and I am sorry no one stood up for you. Question: Can I send you my book? (no charge) There is a story in it about a child who went through something similar and it might be good for you to read it. If you DM me your address, I’ll send you a book. Thank you for writing this. We see you and are glad you are here.
Hi! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Apologies for the delay in response. I’d love to read more. I’ll DM you. Thanks so much. X
A heroine and role model.
I just sent this to one of my clients as she is caretaking a child with RAD and it is an incredibly tense and heartbreaking situation. There are no winners
Thank you for sharing.
Excellent article Kim! The system and society as a whole are failing RAD children on a mass scale. These kids never get the opportunity to heal their trauma and then reach adulthood where society can write them off with the self-righteous satisfaction that they are just defective and evil. I believe the “hell loop” term could just as easily be applied to the sad cycle that shuttles them through ill equipped system without ever meeting their needs and pushes them into adulthood where they can easily be discarded as lost causes.
Interesting. My last year teaching, I had a RAD student. Long story but it was not a good experience. Student had been adopted into totally dysfunctional family.
There is nothing so lonely as raising children who make you the enemy. The state works hard to sell you on fostering and even harder on adoption, since it reduces their workload. Then once you've got the kids, you become a potential perpetrator that needs to be watched. Good-hearted neighbors and friends hear the kids' sob stories and try to give them the love the kids say is missing at home. In the end, my adopted kids are doing well and I'm proud of them and my marriage survived, but I never recommend adopting to others.
Love this! Recently completed a Trauma-Informed Leadership course where we read and reveiwed Dr. Bruce Perry’s ‘The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog’. He talks about his ‘bottom-up’ theory for rewiring the brains of young children who experienced trauma in their developmental years. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I don’t know what led me to read this but I’m glad I did. I was one of ‘those’ children. Three serious head injuries by age 12 didn’t help. There’s a lot of attachment disorder in varying degrees due to western culture, medicalized childbirth and divorce. It’s not ok to give up on a child. I’m inspired by the author’s own story. And I think you’re doing Gods work advocating and educating on this topic
I started reading your newsletter....
"The cycle of tension, rage and outbreaks of violence permeated all the years of my early childhood. I was adept at hiding and hoping to disappear. My mother was unpredictable and her rage was to be avoided, even by my dad. At times he seemed as afraid of her as we were. My father was the quiet one with more patience and displays of affection. He was the "good guy" to me, but we had to be careful..."
I'm so sorry, elizabeth.
I’m very curious about treating rad as an adult.
Thank you for this! Your post was both poignant and inciteful! There is not enough information made public on this topic and I thank you for showing both sides of the coin!
This was fucking amazing!!
VICTIM!!!! She was a CHILD!!!! How is this even a question????
Thank you. I read the entire article with an almost baited breath. Had I not worked in a Romanian orphanage I may not have got such goosebumps reading this. Kids were returned after failed placements because they were “broken” or “not right”. Reading your words I see their faces again. Children need all the advocates we can find and having your voice here, so eloquent and to the point is invaluable. Even though I managed to write this comment, in a way I am lost for words at your realism, compassion and insight.
I have a 24-year-old son we adopted at birth. I was also an adoption attorney for a couple of years. Now, all these years later, I realize how even adoption at birth presents trauma issues and potential behavior problems. I tried to ignore that for years.
The advice you give about learning how to live your child again is not only appropriate for a parent of a child with RAD, but it’s also basically the advice I give parents of any “out of control” teen. Connection is the key.
I also incorporate collaborative problem solving into my parenting program and teach that the teen brain “would do better if they could do better”!
I found that mental health professionals know nothing about adoption and its impact on the child or parents so I can’t imagine many know how to help parents navigate RAD. It’s so sad. And it makes me think back to over 20 years ago when I placed a 4-year-old with a family who just felt that love would get them through it (didn’t even plan on counseling). At the time I was still practicing law and equally clueless but KNEW that would be a disaster. Why can’t we just accept that no, “love does not conquer all” and that knowledge and skill certainly does help?
As a parent with trauma and parenting three kids with trauma, I have one who has extremely disruptive behaviors. He was a different kid during winter break and I loved this side of him and wanted him to thrive so I unenrolled my youngest two.
Having him home has been some of the most transformative shadow work I have personally done to date.
The advice about leaning into the confronting and challenging behaviors has shifted my perspective, and I feel that our lives have just slowed down significantly.
Sara - This is amazing! I love reading this so much. I feel like we just have to keep trying new things, and seeing what works and what calms their nervous systems. I am So happy this happened for your family. I love that you called it "transformative shadow work" that is so good.
One day I was at my end, you know that level of frustration when reality breaks?
I sat there in my chair for a long time after I put my kids to bed and I pondered why my middle child was such a challenge..I had the thought that he presents everything unhealed or unconfronted in me. It was really myself I was frustrated with.
I’m working through grief now because I now feel what I didn’t get growing up.
That brings me full circle to grace, and we all need that.
This one “I really dislike who I've become”
It’s who they were all along….but now they conveniently get to blame a child or a diagnosis.
Maybe. There are certainly folks who adopt for all the wrong reasons, are under-prepared and do a great deal of damage. But there are also people who go in with all the right intentions are just not given the right education and support to manage it. No one can provide them with proper guidance. As I said in the piece, many disabilities like autism can be tough on families, but this is different, it's more how do we love kids whose whole nervous system wants to keep us from loving them and they will do anything and everything to push us away?" There is absolutely a place for anger. I mean, Natalia's many adoptive families were ridiculously bad. But we have to talk about this openly and also help people who are experiencing "blocked care" for the sake of the kids. Thanks for commenting!